Hi, it's just crazy psychotic, paranoid, scared and happy lil' ol' me here! Had bunches of appointments yesterday and they all went rather well, I am happy to report. I am hoping to be on the upside swing of things now and I am trying to get more and more positive. It really helps to be out of work, the stress level is way down and the hematoma has just about moved out, thanks to lots of rest and TLC from hubby! So here is how our appts went yesterday, without further ado (I will add pics on the next post too!!)
Our first appt was with a genetic counselor, she was really nice, and I didnt know what to expect, but just wanted the info. as we didn't do anything as far as testing with the girls. After everything was said and done, she put "undecided" on my file for the sequential screen testing, as there is nothing Mike or I would want to do should something be wrong, we would want to let nature take its course, unless ofcourse there was a threat to my life like before. The counselor was really sweet and said, "look, these are all really good tests to take, but considering what you are going thru now and what you have been thru...if you were going to get a positive result for problems, think about if that would add more stress to your plate and make you worry all the way thru the pregnancy even more", and I thought that was so sincere of her to offer that bit of info to us. The thing is, you can get a false positive, and its basically risk assessment, not a yes or a no to tell you whats up...and Mike is like...hell no we are not going to get an amnio or anything that is puncturing the sac. The riskiest thing we are going to do is the cerclage. So we decided on no testing. So that was that appt, and we left for a quick lunch. We then went to the u/s and got really good looks on the screen. Mike started video-taping the u/s and the tech was a sour puss in that regard, so he hid it in his lap LOL. We got about a ten minute video...as she was looking for something specific and the baby fell asleep right when she needed it to bounce around, so she was jiggling my belly, making me roll over here and there and then grasshopper woke back up and danced around a little...looking really well thank god. Heartbeat good, measuring a little ahead, YAY. So that calmed my nerves after that. Then after the U/S I had a consult with the peri and he is in the same office that the u/s's are in...so we met with him, I like him, but he isnt the same as when I saw him in the hospital...shame. He just appears very hands off, and we talked about the cerclage and he lead to that he wants the OB office to do it...which is fine, but I hope the doc I want does it. I will be alone in the OR, and awake during the procedure, with an epidural. I think this might be next week Thursday or Friday, so that is the next hurdle to jump. I think what I am most scared of is bleeding, cramping or contracting afterwards. I am also going to alternate between offices each week, u/s one week and then ob office internal check opposite week, so I wont be as spoiled with a weekly u/s but its still more than a normal pregnancy (bi-monthly is good right)...which I guess I should be thankful for. So we left the peri and walked all the way over to the hospital via underground tunnel (tired me out! I dont get much exercise!), as we did not want to have to find another parking spot across the street! I met with another new OB doc that I am rotating thru, and he was really sweet. Barbara (SIL) managed to have me rotate thru only 4 docs and there are like 12 out of that office!, and she loves this guy too, he agreed to keep me at home, wrote me a note that I could work from home so we will see if my work agrees...otherwise I will get paid shitty disability...I dont care, I want a living baby! Doc also is working with the scheduler to try and get my cerclage scheduled, so I have another OB appt next Wed to go over everything and have my cervix checked again....so far it is closed still with a small amount of brown blood...the hematoma is very small now I think I got rid of alot of it Saturday.
So, I still have to keep this blog private, as Mike does not feel comfortable making it "formal" yet. My belly is showing and I am trying my hardest to hide it, but my jeans are busting out....could be due to the fact that I am gaining weight rapidly! I have to slow that down a bit! Time to buy maternity jeans, hopefully I can call these my lucky maternity jeans, not sure I want to wear anything I wore with the girls, although its all hanging in the nursery closet. Does that sound weird? I feel as though I want all of that separate from this pregnancy. I dunno, the mind is a nutty thing. All in all, just want the grasshopper here happy, healthy and alive.
Thanks for reading.
Love, Nan xo
If you have been checking for updates, thank you. I have not been motivated one bit to update, so I think a little depression is setting in, mostly to the fact that I didn't have my baby girls on Xmas... This is that roller coaster we talk about, and the stages of grief that we all must navigate to the best of our ability. It just plain sucks. I have been on bedrest (able to get up and down and do little things here and there, not confining bedrest) since the 14th with brown spotting and cramping/pains, so I am taking it as easy as I can. Very paranoid though, and every time I pee I am expecting the worst. I have lots of updates I will try and get my ass in gear on Tuesday or Wednesday to ramble the thoughts out of my head, as I have an US, a peri consult for the cerclage and an OB appt all on Tuesday. I hope everyone's Xmas or non-Xmas went as well as can be expected. Love, Nan xo
What a day. What a good day. Happy day.
I went to the new docs office to meet with just the nurse early this morning. She was nice and had to ask all of the routine questions which ofcourse included "is this your first pregnancy?". I did really well with explaining about my baby girls not making it, Mike was even impressed...no tears. She replied with "Wow, I'm so sorry", which is all you really want to hear (just acknowledge my babies and I'm good!). So after a bunch of packets of info and paperwork were handed over, she gave me both flu shots. I decided to go with this by my RE's constant nagging...something he felt very strongly about, so much that he asked me every time I saw him from 5 weeks to now. "Did you get the flu shots yet? You have to get that asap Nancy" Reply, "No doc, my PCP isn't getting any, I have to check with the new OB". I feel fine from it thankfully. I guess I am trying to do everything in my being to make sure the grasshopper is safe. Problem is, I don't know what the heck is safe anymore, so I trust in my doctors and pray everything turns out ok. Have to keep reminding myself, whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Doctors aren't miracle workers, but they will do the best that they can for you. I am getting off topic.
So after we left that office we had an appt with the new doctor at his hospital office (only 10 minutes away). This was the hospital I gave birth in, but I did not recognize anything visually so thankfully I didn't have any emotional triggers. Mike and I were waiting in the office and he was playing with his new phone (big kid!) and trying to make me smile by playing "Crazy Train" by Ozzy and other humorous tunes :) The nurse called me in to pee on command and take my weight (oh boy - not good!), and then the nurse brought me into a room. Ofcourse, here we go with round two of questions, which ofcourse included "is this your first pregnancy?". Reply, "No, we had triplets in March but they did not make it". Nurse, "Oh Im so sorry, what gestation were they?" Me in a starting to shudder voice "5 months". Nurse, "Oh how sad. Thats terrible." She left to go get Mike so he wasn't stuck in the waiting room. I told Mike that I was starting to feel emotional and could he please find me tissues. The nurse came back into the room and put the doppler on my belly to have a listen, and the grasshopper took a little time to find but she found the heartbeat, lower (my) right near belly button. Pretty cool getting to hear that :)
Enter doc, Dr. M, and he dives right into that he knows this is not easy for us and that he is here for us. His wife had a few early miscarriages and he understands how paranoid and scared we can get in this experience, and we have every right to feel that way. (Thank you Lord for sending someone sweet here for us). We had a ton of questions for him and we must have been there talking with him for 45 minutes or better. He agrees that a cerclage is a good idea, and explained that he can do it also...not just the peri, which I did not know. He knows and works with the peri so he said he was going to talk to him to see if they preferred that he do it or them...I feel comfortable enough that either can do it. He also wants to send me for an U/S and a peri consult about the small SCH I have, and felt comfortable telling me that if I wanted to be off my feet and out of work until we get the SCH situation worked out, that he would write up the paperwork...this comes from some brown spotting I have had since Saturday and is precautionary only since SCH's come with some risk of miscarriage. I am gonna do everything in my power to hang onto this grasshopper, and I cannot force myself into work everyday where I sit crampy and uncomfortable and come home exhausted. Yes, I have a desk job, but I am running back and forth alot also. I cannot worry about it :) He even told me he would never tell me that I shouldn't compare that pregnancy to the girls, as its a mental thing, its impossible to do, and they are there to calm our fears too (not just the shrink!)
So really, what a doctor, what a Godsend. Moral of the story? You can have a really good talented doctor who has a wonderful bedside manner, you can have it all and it does exist! Do not ever put up with not being treated like your feelings don't matter, because frankly, we have been through too much hell to have to go through any more! All of us! You are your only advocate and you are your children's only advocate, use that power to ensure health and safety, it's what you deserve!
Ok, Im really sleepy, I may update again this week, as I have my last RE appointment on Wednesday where I am being released. He will be happy I got my flu shots. Hopefully the next time I see him after this we will be trying IVF for our 2nd earthly child (I know one step at a time, cant get ahead of myself). I should know more on the hematoma also, as he is the one who found it.
By the way, it felt so good to rest after the appts today, we were worn from all of it and Mike fell asleep also...I hope I can stay home and rest whenever I want to for the next 7 months! Probably not gonna happen, but it helps that it's over the "sleepy spells" time!
Love to you all, Nan xoxo
Today I am 9w1d, very glad to be here.
Tuesday I had my normal weekly visit and it went great and the grasshopper looked like a teddy graham (doc's words). Heartbeat was 167 and little arm and leg buds were visible. It was adorable and melted our hearts (hubby is always with me thankfully).
Later that day I started having a few tummy pains at work, and tried to go to the bathroom. Well, turns out I am still super constipated and had a BM that (sorry TMI) made me bleed a little and I had to kind of strain myself. Well that just started me becoming very paranoid as docs say "dont lift anything" or "dont strain yourself". I just didnt feel well into the evening so I just laid down in bed. Yesterday I decided to stay off my feet cause I was really tired and still having belly pains, just assuming it was gas, and I started feeling a little better and decided not to call the RE. Well overnight, I was tossing and turning feeling pains in my lower back, unsure if it was just gas, or maybe my slight scoliosis being agitated or what, but all it made me think of was "I lost my girls when I had back pains, as I didn't know it was back labor and contractions". Well I had no idea if at 9 weeks could contractions actually be felt, so enter in all of the negative thoughts and paranoia and a call to the RE first thing. They wanted me to come in right away so off we went. I saw Dr. F and he checked the grasshopper and all looked good, heartbeat was 173 thankfully. He double checked my ovaries and tubes to make sure I didnt have any ectopic pregnancy that might have been missed as he transferred two embies anyway...mind you they check this every week, he just wanted to rule out my "pain" issue. He said contractions mos tlikely aren't what is happening and that it probably is gas. But I also still have a small hematoma that might be the culprit as well, so he said to stay off my feet today also. So here I lay in bed, where I wish I could just stay forever and not move.
How the hell am I supposed to stay sane through the next 7 months (should we make it) - if this early I am already paranoid? I feel bad for the OB taking me on, I am gonna be so high maintenance. I get to warn the new OB on Monday as I finally have my appt, and he is supposed to be fabulous, but extremely busy cause he is good. So when people ask me how I am doing, I want to answer "frustrated and scared, but hopeful". Because I am scared to death of this not working out, but hopeful when I see the little grasshopper bouncing around on the US. I am blessed that we are ok, but I just don't know how to cope when I have the slightest pain or twitch. I need a shrink appt (Tuesday, its coming!) bad!
Thats my life, thanks for always listening. Love, Nan xoxoxo
Hi all,
Here is the weekly update, late as usual...I am so lazy anymore! Our appt was Tuesday. The grasshopper's heartbeart was 155 and measuring right on target so far. Been having prego symptoms that I am grateful for, but I am having trouble with being at work with them...hmmm. So I went on Zofram (sp?) today for nausea, and they are allowing me to take Pepcid for heartburn. I hate to have to take anything, and if I was at home I wouldn't pay any attention to it at all. When you are at work and talking/looking at someone in the face and feel like spewing on them, thats a little bit of a problem! I wish I could bring my fuzzy bathroom rug to work with me just in case. Or solve the problem entirely and just quit, but that is not an option. Ok I am just babbling now. Hope everyone is well!!!
Love, Nan xo
Hi friends,
We had a great appointment on Tuesday and got to see and hear our new little ones heartbeat! A strong 125 bpm :) The doc also read our nurses chart and said we were 6w3d on Tuesday, but another nurse had told me that we were 6w6d which Kerry thinks is correct too cause you go by date of retrieval and add two weeks, so we have a little confusion :) Not a big deal, just want to get to the end most importantly with a live baby. It's bittersweet for sure.
This experience has been very much an addition to the roller coaster ride, but with the wonderful support I receive I am making it through, one day at a time.
Thats it for now, hope everyone is well.
Love, Nan xo
Hey all,
So we had our U/S to confirm whether we had one grasshopper or two grasshoppers, and the news is.
.
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One Grasshopper :)
I am happy, but it took a little time to absorb, as I have been thinking it might be twins. I held it together in the office, but once we got out to the car, I kinda lost it. Partly happy sobbing that I am prego and I have one healthy grasshopper, and partly upset sobbing because, well, I dunno. I am going to refer to a post by Kerry to help describe how I felt...she wrote it perfectly. I am super super grateful to be prego, and I ultimately just want to get to the prize...a baby that is alive in my arms and forever with me on earth.
Ok, I have to explain why this wee one is a grasshopper! Andrea took a picture in her garden for me and it was three pink roses with 2 grasshoppers on them...I instantly fell in love! It was my girls sending her a sign :) I will post that pic on my girls' blog soon. So even though I thought I might be having twins and that the grasshoppers might represent that, I think the two grasshoppers still represent how many children on earth I will have, one now and one a little later :) I don't think I will do many pictures on this blog...maybe a few, but I am very guarded and cautious as to not get ahead of myself...I have to protect myself a little. I will talk to the shrink about that :)
Love Nan xo
Nervously, hubby and I walked into the RE office today...Dr. F was there and very excited for us, cause every time he walked past he gave the thumbs up sign :) He explained that typically this U/S was a little early, they had told me that I was 4w5d, but on my last visit I counted 5w1d today, so I will have to confirm that with them next appt. My HCG level is good at 2,970. So onto the U/S, it was hard to look at the screen but I did it...I had to see what was going on. There was one really pronounced sac and then there was another that was "questionable" but looked like a sac to my doc, but not to his assistant...so they will have to confirm it next week. I have my next appt next Tuesday. Thanks for continuing to cheer me on ladies!
Love, Nan xoxo
Ladies,
Thank you soooooo much for your comments on my prego post!!! I so much appreciate you girls you have no idea!!!!
I am trying my best to keep positive. My HCG level doubled from Saturday, its now 991, and my due date (dare I say) is July 14th, ten days before my girls' date. Hubby and I are both kinda happy its the same month...good and bad...I'm sure you all understand.
My first U/S is Thursday...I'll be having an U/S every week from here on out. Guess I will also find out if its one baby or two! We have got to hang onto this, I beg. But I cannot be paranoid either.
Love to you all xo Nan
Two days until the blood test to see if this worked. I am definitely cheating and taking a HPT either Friday night or Saturday morning...as I do not want to hear it from the office, made that mistake our first round of IVF. They can officially tell me, but I need the "heads up", I know you know what I mean :) Thats it for now...trying to not feel stressed. I will share the official news...good or bad. Fingers crossed.
Love, Nan xoxoxoxo
We finally made it to transfer, hallelujah! I am grateful that I had two embies that were pretty much saying "pick me, pick me", as they were the last two good ones out of four. That, was close, much too close to an early failure for my head to handle! But, I am better now that I am on a two week wait now. I do hope the prayers helped us get to this point and beyond, thank you for them :) For now, I am happy to be resting with two embies hopefully thriving.
I need to vent a little on this post, and I don't feel it's right, but this is what this new blog is about, right? Getting all of my thoughts and feelings out? Well, most of them, anyhow. So here goes.
Yesterday, I was on pins and needles waiting for my status report from my IVF nurse, she usually calls me no later than 2PM. 3 o'clock rolls around and nothing, so I call the office...here is the conversation (please tell me if I am wrong here):
Nan: Hi, Im sorry to bother you but I usually hear from you by now and was wondering whats up?
IVF Nurse: What do you mean?
Nan: How my embies are doing??
IVF: Didnt you have your transfer today?
Nan: Um, Nooooooooo.
IVF: Oh, OH, (shouts in the background "did I get an embryo report today") Oh, yeah how bout that, I did.
Nan: OK, cause Ive kinda been on the edge of my seat waiting to see how they are doing, Im shaking for real.
IVF: Oh, they are fine, but one did arrest, you have four embies with 4 cells on each.
Nan: Ok, so does that mean I am scheduled for tomorrow?
IVF: Yes, you are scheduled at 7am, full bladder needed.
Nan: Ok, we talked about an HCG booster or taking Estrace, did the doc decide which one he wants to do?
IVF: Didn't I put that on your discharge papers?
Nan: No (looking at my papers it read "will call about estrace"), I dont have that on my papers.
IVF: Ok, this is how you take it, (etc etc), and this is when you take it, (etc etc.) - Goodluck.
Is it just me? Or would you be appalled at the way this conversation went? This person leaves her office at 3:30 so I would have missed her had I waited much longer to call her. I dont know what is up with this office lately, but the only people there I can tolerate are the doctors anymore. I felt like my jaw was dropped the entire conversation, and Im thinking thankfully I have been thru this before or I would have not known what to ask! What about the first time IVF'ers out there, is she doing this to them? She was totally in the clouds, definitely not on earth. I am over it, but it ticked me off as I didn't need the added stress, WTF! Thats what babylost Moms want - more stress - screw you!!!!!!!!!
Ok, breathing again now. I am one of those people that cannot eat when they are stressed, but when the stress is over for a bit, I chow down....so finally today I ate, but then I ate again, and I cannot stop eating, like I haven't eaten in days. Must have been a large weight to come off the shoulders for me to chow down like that! YAY.
Transfer this morning, went really well. I met another one of Dr. F's partners who did the procedure, his name is Dr. G, and he was so sweet. He walked in in scrubs and a cup of McDonalds coffee, and introduced himself. I asked him if we are definitely doing assisted hatching cause thats what worked before. That then triggered the question from him, 'oh you have children from IVF?', without realising what I was going to say, I just said 'we had a loss'. He was sorry and so sincere, so I got a little teary. He explained that the embies he wanted to transfer could not be better, and I was so happy to hear that. Out of the other two, one did not get past 4 cells and one was a 9 cell, but a low grade cell so it wasnt what he wanted to use, he would watch those to see if freezing happened, but its a long shot. I am praying this works. The cells we transferred were 8 cell grade A, which is what our triplet girls were. So I think we have a good shot at this. Now if it happens, can we hold on. I will focus on it working first. Two week wait here we come.
Love, Nan xoxoxo
Hi lovely ladies,
I have a lot to write, but I am going to bed. But I wanted to update that we have 4 embies hangin on, they were 4 cells earlier today, hopefully 8 cells by tomorrow morning. Our other embie arrested :( Our transfer is scheduled for 7am tomorrow morning (as long as our embies are ok! please pray!), and then I will be on bedrest for a few days, and can catch up on this then.
Thanks for your continued comments, emails, support and just for being wonderful. I am grateful for all of you.
Love, Nan xo
(Fingers and toes are crossed!)
Egg retrieval yesterday went well, we got 13 eggs. I was extremely sore though, sore enough where it hurt to walk, cough, laugh, etc. So was in bed most of the day. Today I am feeling less sore but have a low-grade fever, nothing to be concerned about, yet. So I am working from home on the couch today. I just received a phone call from the RE's office with my status report. They retrieved 13 eggs, out of that 10 matured and were able to be ICSI'd (sperm injected), and out of that, only 5 fertilized. So we are relying on five little embies to grow grow grow and divide in the next couple days. This by far is the lowest out of the three IVF cycles we have ever been through, so I am hesitant to feel any kind of excitement, more anxiety than anything. We need two for the transfer, so I will focus on that. I don't think freezing is possible for us, as it has never worked. Just a little frustrated, sorry for my poor attitude!!! I just don't want to have gone through all of this craziness for nothing, it's very trying. My mind hurts.
Love, Nan xo
I'll start with Sunday. Sunday we went in for the usual bloodwork and ultrasound, but not in our regular office. This is the office they keep open on the weekends. I had not been there since I was 8 weeks pregnant with the girls, and I was bleeding and waiting to find out if they were ok, and they were, then. So needless to say, I had a bit of a breakdown when I got into the room. Doc's partner was sweet, he tried to be funny and cheer me up, he is Dr. C. I just could not stop crying for most of the day. Physically, everything was good, estrogen level had tripled since Thursday to 1508, probably a reason to be emotional. We counted 14 eggs, as Dr. C doesnt really offer up too many details, but saw good progression. I got to lower my dosage of Menopur that evening by one powder, but had the same amount of shots.
Monday, we went back again, but to our regular office and had bloodwork and another ultrasound. It was Dr. C again as my doc is away on business. He came in and ofcourse tried to make me laugh by saying I am stalking him from office to office :) Too cute. Atleast I wasn't crying! He said that overnight it looked like everything really blossomed and that he wouldn't be surprised if I had to do my "trigger shot" (HCG - releases the follicles from my ovaries) that evening. So I met with the nurse and she gave me discharge instructions and the surgi-center instruction just in case they decided to tell me to trigger. Well, they called me in the afternoon and instructed us to trigger. I was happy as that meant no more belly shots into my bruised belly, and that it meant we are on our way again. So Mike got the shot ready to inject into my big butt muscle at 7:15 last night, and he did it perfectly. So from then it's 72 hours to egg retrieval, which is scheduled for 7:15am tomorrow (Wednesday). I am assuming our transfer day is Saturday. I pray we get some to freeze this time, as it has never happened for us.
So all of a sudden I feel myself in fast forward and everything is flying by. The last two IVF cycles, the doc seemed to push me farther, so I guess maybe he might be trying something new, to maybe get them to freeze??? This is emotional hell, and on one hand you feel excited, and then on the other you feel saddened that you are even having to do this all over again, when your babies should be here. I'm terrified. Those what if's keep popping up...what if this cycle doesn't work and what if none freeze then we will have to do all of this over again....and the next time, will be our last shot, as my lifetime max for insurance will have been met. Hopefully there is no next time, hopefully we have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby or babies. See? Up, down, up down. WTF?!!!!
I'll be fine, and I have a much needed shrink appt scheduled before the pregnancy test. Just need some prayers that we have no complications, with any of this.
Love, Nan xo
RE appt went well. I have a total of 6 follies in the left ovary and 8 in the right ovary. The left ovary has five fat follies and the right has 3 fat follies, which is good, the rest might not catch up to the others but the good ones are measuring between 8mm and 12mm, which is double from Monday! Next appt is tomorrow morning and I am to continue the same shots routine, getting closer! B/W Levels in case anyone is interested: Estrogen: 522 Progesterone: 0.4 LH: 1.3
Update tomorrow!!! Love, Nan xo
I picked up this ceramic picture over the weekend, it says alot for just a few words (and a butterfly!). I also interpret as....a single step....moves you forward. I try to remind myself not to look into the rear-view mirror too much, as it brings alot of pain, but it also brought me my angel girls, and without them I would never know what love for my own children is. I know you can relate.
Friday's appointment went well, and I got the call in the afternoon to continue Lupron once a day and start Menopur twice a day. So now we have three shots in the belly going on. I am bruised and it's not pleasant, but I am taking it the best that I can. This is such a different experience for me, as the last two IVF rounds I felt "happy" about everything and didn't notice the shots and side effects as much. Now, I am complaining all of the time, feeling nausea, fatigue, soreness, crying, blah blah blah. I also spilled to my sister, as she came over and I felt myself lying to her and I couldn't do it, so now I have two family members in the circle, but I will not be telling them every little thing this time, but they will know "enough".
I also had an RE appointment this morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Dr. F's partner was the doc today, he was very nice, and I think he measured approximately 9 follies already, very small about 4-5mm each, growing nicely. He said everything looks good....so my body still knows what to do with the meds thankfully. I am to continue the meds as we have been doing at 3 shots per day. Next bloodwork and ultrasound visit is Thursday morning.
I also had a psychologist appointment tonight and want to share some info about TTC after loss that maybe some of you can find useful. I wasn't weepy about going there until I got there (part of the emotional hormonal mess I have become!), but I expressed that I am already so scared of getting pregnant and losing the pregnancy. She explained that the fear of loss is understandable, but to try and put myself in a neutral place when I feel scared. Here's the metaphor: I don't have to worry about my fear of heights right now because I am not standing on the mountain just yet. She said try to delay the worry until a pregnancy happens, as it only causes undue stress. If I am sad about loss, then it should be because I'm sad about losing my girls, not something that hasn't happened yet. Then, if we get pregnant, we will cross that bridge when it comes. One step at a time, sort of like my ceramic picture :) One other thing she said, is to pamper myself as this is a very difficult thing to deal with, so treat myself maybe once a week (new outfit? new purse? a pony?). And trying to get through the shots, she said hold onto something tight and project any angst into the object, or I can treat myself with a "reward" after each shot, like chocolate (like a dog gets a treat!)!!! Or, I can keep talking to myself, "it's only a minute....breathe". I wrote all of this down on paper while I was in the office to remind myself! I'm forgetful under stress.
Thanks for listening friends. Love, Nan xo
Hope this post finds everyone doing well.
I am doing ok now, but the past week has been rough with the hormone shots. I was awaiting my Lupron period for what felt like forever and started getting worried. I finally got it Sunday night which was the 34th day from the last period, and it was so heavy yesterday it made me feel sick. But I got to go to the RE as today was the 3rd day. He saw alot of lining left (which means I still have a heavy period to pass through) and he cannot start me on Menopur until I shed more of it. So I go back on Friday and Dr. F feels confident he will be able to start me on Menopur then. I get to go down to one shot of Lupron per day starting tomorrow instead of two (YAY - cause my belly is bruised!). So I await Friday's appt.
On Sunday night my parents came over for dinner, and while I was cleaning up with my Mom, I was talking about a friend on IVF and I totally slipped up. She sort of caught it, but so as not to lie to her and leave her hanging, I told her what was going on, and we cried together, part sad part happy. She wants me to be an earthly Mommy so much, I can just see it in her face, and it makes me so upset I have to put anyone through this again with us, especially my Mom. I so did not want to tell anyone!!!!! Darn it!!!!! Oh well, she said she wants to know and doesn't want us going through this alone. What a blessing she is in my life, a true true blessing.
Yesterday was hubby's birthday, and we have been celebrating since the weekend, we had fun. I don't know what I would do without this man by my side, another true true blessing.
Prayers to all of you for all of the happiness in the world. Love, Nan xo
In "Kerry" fashion :-), I am displaying my meds. We are only missing the Progesterone in Oil, but I don't need it until the egg retrieval which is a few weeks away. We started our shots today, just Lupron for now, 5 units injected in the am and 5 units injected in the pm everyday, until further notice. I call these the "easy" shots cause they are the smallest that go into your belly (wish they were all that way!). Got plenty of belly fat for that! Mike is still a pro at giving them to me, and he didn't seem to have any qualms about starting again, even though its hard. But his calmness helped me not break down and cry as we start this process all over again, at 5 am this morning. OK, thats my update for now. Will post the progress of the next RE appt, which will be after I get my "Lupron" period.
Love, Nan xo
Tuesday morning, quick blood draw at the RE office, then we were off to the MFM office about 15 mins away. Got into the office, Mike and I were waiting for only a few minutes before we were walked back to Dr. C's office, passed him in the hallway first and said hi then were waiting in his office for a minute or too. And here is me, I start bawling. Seeing Dr. C's face triggered the day I was released from the hospital when he was sincere with telling me he would do a cerclage should we try again. So he came in, same face of sorrow for us and I finally got it together. We had alot to talk about. First we went through what happened, and he pretty much says they still do not know if I truly have an incompentent cervix/cervical insufficiany, or if it was just the weight of three babies, we will never know. He said I am still a candidate for the cerclage if I want it, but prefers we only have one baby when we come back. I pretty much told him there is no guarantee for that as Dr. F wants to transfer two. Dr. C went on to tell us that he cannot take me as a patient, as he takes cases based on women who have underlying medical problems, which I understood in a way, but I was a little disappointed as I wanted to have the specialists of the specialists/ top pregnancy doctor within my reach. I can't remember at this time what else he said, already out of my head. But I do have to remind myself to ask him when he would recommend bedrest for me. Darn it I forgot that one! He will still consult, but I need to find a new OB. Good news on that front, I do have someone I was recommended to, I will probably meet only if I get prego. I am not going to put Mike or myself through anymore doc appts for now except the IVF stuff, thats is enough for now!
For now, we are going to focus on getting through the shots....oh yeah, by the way I ovulated according to the docs office and I am allowed to start my Lupron dose on Saturday! Just 2 belly shots per day, 1 in the am and 1 in the pm. Mike picks up our full plate of Rx's tomorrow, maybe Ill take a pic like Kerry does :) I am on Lupron for a while and will have a period on it, which I will have to call the IVF office for an U/S appt as soon as my period starts.
So thats where we are at. Feeling very up and down about it, as usual. Its nerve-racking and exciting all at the same time. Will let you know how Mike does with the shots, he was a pro but hasn't done them since last year. Always thought "no more shots - no more IVF", we were way wrong. Sad.
Lots of love, thanks for listening, Nan xo
Soooooo, yesterday I had my blood draw to see if I ovulated, the result was "not yet". So I am a little disappointed as it delays things further (closer to my "other date"), but what can ya do, nothing. I go back Tuesday morning for another draw. My levels were up which means I am close to ovu, but its so late and never used to be that way. I guess I should be happy if I ovulate at all, right? I had my period on 9-1, which means normally I would have ovulated around the 14th/15th.
Anyway, after the blood draw on Tuesday, I go to see the MFM for a consult and to beg him to see me as "his" patient. He "consulted" the OB when we were prego with the girls, which means he was rarely ever called Im sure. But I like him, and he was really sincere in the hospital when he told me if we tried again that he would do the cerclage. So this is what we go to talk to him about on Tuesday. I need to arm myself with a thousand questions....any suggestions???
OK, Going back to the garden to plant and prune as it is a beautiful day here! Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far.
Love Nan xo
Hello lovely ladies,
Thank you for your supporting comments, you have no idea how much it means to me! I now know I made the right choice of creating this separate blog, and with you all backing me, it makes it that much sweeter. So, thank you again!
Ok, so the doc appt on Friday went pretty well, I am now awaiting test results which I do not know when I will have. The hysteroscopy went ok, doc found a small piece of what he called an "elastic band" which was probably tissue, but he put saline wash up there and it loosened quickly with the scope. The reason he did saline was because the gas he had to shoot up there was escaping, which he said was "normal", whatever that means! I am thinking he meant "normal" for someone who had triplets 6 months ago??? Who friggin knows. The good thing is that he always remains sweet and optimistic to me, which makes him priceless in this difficult process.
My next appt. is Friday for bloodwork to make sure I ovulated, and maybe my test results will be back, then we go from there.
Other than crying a few times in the office and me thinking "what the hell am I doing here" and "am I doing the right thing", after it was over I felt like I would be ok going there from now on...look forward, not backwards, as dear sweet Andrea would say. You will get to know Andrea I hope very soon as she is creating a blog (under my demand - LOL - Im small but pushy!), and if you notice her comments on here, you will find inspiration and I can't wait for you ladies to get to know her. Yes, Andrea, I am putting you on the spot :)
Ok, gonna go garden now as it is my last day off for a while. Hope everyone is doing ok, love to you all, hugs and smooches. Nan xo
Tomorrow in the morning we have the RE appointment, where there will be lots of blood drawn, cultures and a hysteroscopy. Hopefully we will be given the "all clear" to start injectable meds after I ovulate next week, and we will be swinging back to the ol' IVF routine once again. If I am not given the "all clear" yet, I will be disappointed, but not devastated...big difference in those words these days. It would just mean more time is needed to start a fresh cycle, I just CANNOT do a cycle the same time we did last year and have the SAME due date if we get prego as those dates are for my angels. Right now we are two weeks ahead of the last cycle date we did last year when we got prego. So if we get to start te new cycle, it will be many appointments, lots of vaginal ultrasounds to check follies and lots of blood draws. Imagine, I used to be terrified of needles. Well, I still am, I can't look or give one to myself, but I can take it just fine! Who'd a thunk you would have this much to do to get prego, when all your parents taught you growing up in the younger years is "you better not ever get pregnant!". Hmmm....
Speaking of parents, I went over my Mom and Dads for dinner tonight, it is their 49th wedding anniversary so I brought them dinner and a gift. I even signed the card from Mike, Me, Scotty and their angel granddaughters. My Mom choked up...she is such an awesome person and I am so thankful to have her. It's hard to bring the topic up of TTC again with her and I feel bad, but I just don't want to disappoint any of my family if this doesn't work. They were so involved the last 2 times, but I can't bring myself to drag them through it again. Mom says "you can tell me what you are doing, I wont tell anyone", but I still dont want to upset her, or really anyone, hence the reason for the private blog right now. I'll probably crack, especially to my Sister or Mom...I dunno.
We have also scheduled the MFM appointment on the 22nd to discuss treatment if IVF works again, as he told me he wants to do the cerclage. Hopefully I can convince him to take me on as a full time patient, I think he will, especially if two embies were to take. I have so many thoughts in my head. It is still surreal that we are going through this again.
Thank you beautiful ladies for supporting me. Love, Nan xo
So yesterday, Monday August 24, 2009, we had a consultation appointment to see the RE who helped us get pregnant with the girls. I did not think I would ever have to go back to see him cause our girls would have made our instant family complete. The office had moved, which I was very happy about, since 1) it is closer to our house now, and 2) I didn't have to go back into the same ol' office with those memories, I felt I could start anew. I saw Dr. F and gave him a big hug. He had heard our news a few weeks after we lost the girls and left me a message on my voicemail, so I thanked him. Mike was obviously wishing we didn't have to go through this entire process again, but still by my side, supporting and loving as always. You see, Mike wanted us to take this time to go on a honeymoon that we never got to go on, but he wanted to go on our anniversary which is Sept. 17th. We were unable to get the money to go this year at that time, so he said it would be ok to try again now, as long as I promised that "SOMEDAY" we will have a honeymoon! Ofcourse we will, even if we have and earthly baby(ies) this go round, when they are old enough that we can leave them for a bit, we will definitely go. So back to the appointment, Dr. F wants us to do the same IVF protocol as the last two times, and we will be transferring two embies. We have to have some testing done (hysteroscopy, blood, cultures, etc) in the beginning of September, and as long as all is clear, we can start our injections after I ovulate. This would bring us to a possible transfer date Mid-October! I am excited, but at the same time, very scared. I know the fear will never leave me, but like a good friend told me, it's like a parachute, you just have to jump and have faith. This time around I will have a cerclage stitch at 12 weeks. So that is the next consult appointment I have to make, is with the perinatologist to discuss what he would want to do if I get pregnant with one or two babies. I hope this works, I need prayers.
Love, Nan xo
Welcome to my second blog, the one where we are trying to conceive children again. I did not feel it was what I wanted to talk about on my angels site, where I honor them, even though the girls will always be a part of our family forever, that site is for them. And something really cool I noticed on this blog design, three butterflies are watching over it above, so I know they will be with us through our journey. We will be going through our third attempt at IVF in the coming months, and I needed a place to write down my hopes, dreams, fears and thoughts. Wish us luck! Love, Nan xo
