A Milestone, 20w0d

I don't feel as though I am able to breathe a sigh of relief just yet, but my heart does feel a little lighter getting through today.

Today I am 20w0d which is the gestation I lost my triplet angels. Tomorrow I will be the most pregnant I have ever been (thanks Bree!!! I truly liked the way you put that into perspective). I have had many ups and downs coming up to this point, especially in the last two weeks. I had a major meltdown in a department store with my Mom while looking for some maternity shirts....the rows next to that is infant clothing. I started to look at baby girl clothes with my Mom and she seemed so happy looking at everything, so I decided to keep trying...then I felt overwhelmed by all of the pink clothes and so many of them had butterflies on them...so I lost it. All I can hope for is that once I feel like we are going to make it to the finish line, then I can start feeling good about buying the grasshopper lots of things.

I kept busy today though, and I did ok. I first got out early with Mike and had my daily brief walk around a craft store looking at all of the fun butterfly stuff, especially now since Easter and Spring are around the bend. Then I met my SIL Barbara for lunch and we had a nice time, she helped me look for names that mean butterfly...most of them are very strange by the way LOL. I then had a nice afternoon with Mike and we hung the shelf that will hold our triplets new display urn on their birthday, and then had a nice dinner....now I am winding down and reflecting on how I need to keep positive for baby girl grasshopper, maybe try to sing to her today.

We have an U/S scheduled for Friday morning, but we are supposed to have our 4th major snowstorm (old man Winter is hanging on tight!), so it could possibly be cancelled. Booooo! Hopefully we get to go, hubby is ready to drive in any weather.....but unfortunately, not everyone else is!

Love to all, Nan xxxooo

U/S Pics and news - 18w2d 2-12-10

Yesterday, was a good day. I finally had a good day. Wow.

We went into our ultrasound appointment which was at an overflow office in the hospital, since lots of ladies needed to be rescheduled due to the snow. This area is actually where non stress tests are done, so lots of huge bellies and the loud sounds of heartbeats on monitors surrounded us. Not to mention this floor was also Maternity Suites and L&D, which I barely remember being at with baby girls, but I know hubby knew it all too well. We did ok though. The U/S tech came out to get us, she was as short as me and super adorable and sweet, and led us back to a private U/S room. As I was getting comfortable and in position, I just blurted it out:

ME: Listen, I need to ask you for a favor, I need to ask if you wouldn't mind doing a gender check for us, as we've gone through a previous loss and really would like to know just in case something happens again, I don't want to find out later than sooner, can you do that?"

HER: Oh absolutely, and I was reading your chart earlier and I'm so sorry for your loss.

ME: Thank you so much you are so sweet (and inside Im trying not to cry, but it happens anyway).

So she was just awesome, just the type of person I needed to have yesterday. She played around with all of the views, got some great pics (above) and the grasshopper cooperated! So without further adieu, our grasshopper is...

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.....another baby girl :)

It is truly another bittersweet moment and we are blessed. I feel like its a little bit of a replacement, but not of my baby girls, but of some of the dreams I had for them as girls, like I can fulfill a little bit of what we are missing, but ofcourse not everything, no way no how. I feel a huge sense of calm and peace. I feel like (for now), I can hold baby girl in my heart and love her while she is with me and accept that I cannot predict nor change the future, so I have to love her while I can feel her with me, and pray for the best.

Now I need help with girl names :)

My cervix is still hanging in there too, I just pray I can continue on this path for a long time to come.

Love, Nan xo

U/S Cancelled Tomorrow....

I am frustrated, but trying not to let it get the best of me. I was really wanting this appt tomorrow. Someone called from the U/S office tonight and left a message that they need to reschedule due to the weather. I didn't answer the call b/c it came up as anonymous caller...or I could have rescheduled and had my next appt set...darn it! I hate snow now!! I love snow, but now it ruined my day. Mike loves to drive in it, all i can think of is "we'll be there, why won't you" !!! I know, selfish, right?

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Ok, elapse time for 10 minutes, it is now 10:30 and the sweet girl called me back again to make sure I got the message and rescheduled us for Friday at 11. *sigh* Angels on earth at work? So I feel alot better that I get to go this week atleast, otherwise my poor hubby would have had to hear me whine some more!

I'll update over the weekend. Love and hugs xo

Thanks for listening to my drama.

Doing better :)

Friends!

Thank you for all of your support, I am feeling a little better now. I must keep de-stressing myself, or else. So I am making every conscious effort to be positive, because these upcoming weeks are even more critical to testing the cerclage, and also Kerry explained that my stress hormone runs thru grasshopper, so I have to think of He/She, not me. I even let Mike take two pictures of me today to show you all, here is my first prego picture with the grasshopper, I am huge! (Oh, and ignore my hair, I need a major hair cut!)

I am measuring 18cm and the grasshopper's heartbeat is at 134. I also gained three more pounds, but I am trying to keep the weight maintained instead of gaining (like I know I can - really easy to do!). I drink 60+ ounces of water per day and "try" to eat well. I have an U/S on Thursday and I will report an update! I plan to really be agressive with whomever the tech is and see if we can get a peek at the gender if the grasshopper cooperates :)

Love, Nan xo

Why not add another thing to the mix

I had an OB appt this morning, was feeling a little more anxious than usual and had alot of cramps. The nurse noted my blood pressure was a little low and that I looked pale...so I guess I looked a little sickly. For about 15 minutes we waited for the doctor who we could hear outide our door that they needed to find out if I could have an internal check. Mike and I just kept looking at eachother saying, are they talking about us? They were.

Everything is ok right now, but apparently my U/S last week presented a marginal placenta previa (good link to info here) which I guess if the peri was concerned he would have come in and told me about it then. The doctor informed me that this usually poses no risk to the baby (hopefully), but can present bleeding that needs to be watched carefully. I need to rest rest rest, no heavy lifting and no intercourse, but these are things we have been told from the start, so I asked the doc how much rest should I be on, and she said just "listen to your body". I thought I was listening to my body, but she also informed me that cramping usually means I am overdoing it...I am not doing much so I guess I have to cut down on that?! I am trying not to stress, but I find myself always preparing for the worst, and its making me feel depressed and irrational and like a total drama queen.

I am still absorbing this as my appt was only an hour or so ago. I am kind of irked that the peri didnt inform me that we need to take it a little easier, but then again the peri is only consulting, I am not their patient. Before I can leave any U/S appt, the peri looks at my pics from the tech but never comes in. I guess I have to look at that as a good thing cause maybe if they did come in it would be bad news, like when I had Shelby in my cervix, the peri came in. F'ed up thoughts huh?

Sorry, I am just feeling like a vent is necessary to my sanity. I just didn't want anything else to worry about, my mind is already on overload. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that whatever will be will be, I have no control over what is to be. I am grateful to be 17w2d today (thinking of Kerry and her sweet babies in Heaven as I write that), and have to persevere. I will keep praying that the placenta moves higher as we get bigger. No blood would be ideal. Scratch that...a live happy healthy baby in my arms even more ideal.

Love, Nan xo