Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy: September 2010

Well I certainly didn't intend for so much time to go by without updating, but here I am, and tomorrow I return to work, which will make me even more scarce around here. I really love to write here and on my girls blog, as it has proved to be great therapy, so sometimes it really saddens me that I don't write as much as I want or need to. But when your priorities change, you need to change along with them. I feel like (at first) I didn't prepare enough for Autumn's actual being here on earth, more for another loss :( ... I said that alot when she was first born, but now we are getting into the rhythm of things and its so much better. She still has her gassy fussy moments, but I think it's just how things are for her. We are now on soy formula and trying the mylicon drops with that. So far, at night, she sleeps around 3 hours, then maybe 3 or 4 hours and then 2 hours, and wakes up for an hour in between each to eat, and sometimes play :) I wouldn't trade an ounce of sleep for any of it, I love it all, and above all I appreciate her.

So on playing a little bit of catch-up, I wanted to share a couple of things (the short, kind of short versions) from the past 10 weeks. Oh, and I have not written her birth story yet, I will do that at another time for sure.

Psychiatrists R' Us...
On Autumn's birth-day, prior to her arrival, my trusted OB came in and mentioned that he thought it would be a good idea if I saw a psychiatrist while I am in the hospital for a few days, just to make sure I am ok. I trust him alot so I said that would be fine. Well, a day later, a fairly nice, but obviously new and nervous intern came in to ask us some questions for the hospital psychiatrist, and said she would come back with him later, that she was going to give him our information. While it was hard to answer her questions and talk about my girls, I felt a bit of peace about it all, that I was actually handling it, and doing sooooo good. I felt GOOD. I felt HAPPY, especially now that we made it with one daughter on earth. Later that afternoon, the psych knocked on the door, but Mike was not there and I felt a little caught off guard, but he said we wouldn't be that long so I said "fine"....well, then 6 or 7 other student interns came walking in behind him, surrounding my bed and staring at me, making me feel like the smallest human on earth, I cringed in my bed and then took a deep breath and I belted out "oh absolutely not, I am not comfortable with this!". Where I found that voice from within, I don't know, but I wound up letting the nervous intern and the Dr. stay, although I wish I would've kicked him out too, because all he offered was an Ativan...my PCP could have ordered me that, all that for ATIVAN? Grrr....so it was upsetting and a bit of a setback, but I eventually got over it and continued in my forward journey. Looking back, I sometimes think should I have let those interns hear me, hear me talk about child-loss and child-life and the delicate balance we walk everyday in between, just to hear my voice, just 7 people, would I have made a difference? Probably. But I wasn't asked if they could come in, I wasn't prepared for it, had I been, I think I would have been fine.

The Breastfeeding Fiasco...(this could be TMI to some, just saying!)
Well, we tried, we tried, and we tried. The first time Autumn tried to BF, the nurse placed a shield over my boob, said my nip was flat. Well she took to it the 3rd or 4th try, but nothing was there for her to eat. I wasn't producing. So Autumn was getting angry! We would keep trying with shield and without shield and the shield would fly across the room half the time from her being mad and flailing. I was unable to walk since I had a c-section, so I couldnt get up and get it!! I was getting three opinions per day on what I should and should not be doing from everyone, it was very hard to pick what was right or wrong, I was getting so anxious. I starting getting the colustrum around the 3rd day, so she was able to get that at the very least, and I was pumping all the time. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't producing. I was delirious. I was anxious. My baby was crying for over a week. My baby lost almost a pound and screamed her head off at home. We called the pediatrician..."go get ready made formula". 12:30 am, Mike runs out to get the formula, fill the bottle fast and then.......quiet. The formula ran through her tiny little body like a drain, you could hear it all. And then, she slept for 4 hours. No brainer, she needs formula from now on, give up BF'ing. So I pumped a little more, felt guilty for stopping, pumped until I saw that after a week and a half I got only an ounce at the most. Just stop, stop Nance, you don't need to feel guilty, your still a good person, and even YOU were bottlefed, its ok. I talked to myself alot through that time. I talked to other loss moms with and without rainbow babies through text messages and recieved so much support, thank you ladies, you know who you are. :) I actually like bottle feeding because it lets everyone participate in her feedings, and I apparently need to sleep more than 2 hours at a time...hubby says Im grumpy if I don't sleep! Hmmm.

Baby Shower...
Autumn was 5 weeks old when I allowed a baby shower, finally. I felt bad, it was put together fast and everyone in my family wanted to do something ever since they knew I was prego with Autumn, but I couldn't do it. I don't even know how I got through the shower, except for thinking to myself that "this is for Autumn". I know I cried a bunch of times, but I allowed myself to do that, and let people see the real me, the one who is sometimes still broken, the one who has so many tributes in her home, including a shelf with their urn above the rocker where we feed Autumn most of the time. Autumn stares and smiles alot at it, and also the picture with their names on it, its pretty cool. Anyway, yes, the shower was at my home, which was very comforting also. Everyone got to see the Autumn in person, and the nursery, and I got to see many people that I love dearly who have been out of my life for a very long time now. Again, a bittersweet thing.

Presents...
We received so many sweet, thoughtful, beautiful and heartfelt gifts from so many! I am eternally grateful! I would love to mention you all, but it would take probably two days! And you know me, time is not on my side :) But there is one, one very very gracious soul that I must must must share with you all, and only because she did the most selfless thing I have ever seen, known or experienced in my entire lifetime. I mean ever. And I cried and cried. And I called her and cried. And even my husband cried. If you don't know Deni, you need to! Deni has lost two angel babies, Layla and Michael, and has been trying to get pregnant again for a very long time. Her and her hubby decided to try and adopt last year, and they thought they found a perfect birthmother and she was having a girl. This girl was due a week before Autumn, so Deni and I tried planning things together, and that her little girl would be here with mine, and they would be BFF's, and Deni kept moving forward with nursery plans and decorating and buying clothes to prepare for this little one to arrive, doing so good and staying positive. And then, the birthmother scammed Deni and her husband right to the very end, and her dreams were shattered once again. We were all heartbroken and it devastated many. Deni boxed up all of the clothes (many many clothes) and put them in a box and shipped them all to me. She could not bear have them in her home, but wanted them to go to something positive, my Autumn. *tears* Deni, you are beautiful, and I know I will be sending clothes back to you someday, two-fold! Deni is currently on the TTC road again, please send her many prayers and visit her blog!

Work...
Ok, so I'm going back to work tomorrow, I have no idea how I will feel, but I'm allowing myself to cry all day there if I want to, and I know my co-workers will understand, so I'm grateful for that. But what about the next day, and the next, and the next? Will I be ok? Hubby will be watching her, since he is still not cleared to work after a work accident he had last year, and it's been so nice having him home with me all of this time. He will be coming up to my work a few times this week with Autumn to help me cope, but I want him up there everyday! :) Ugh, I just can't stand to be away from her for too long. I've been no longer than 2 hours away from her as of yet. I've worked too hard to get her here, so if someone has to watch her, Im glad its hubby....what happens when he returns to work? I dont know.

I'm Done For Now...
Ok, now that I've gotten 4 of the 50 things out of my head, without further adieu, here are my 100 pictures from weeks 8, 9 and 10 of Autumn's life :) Since we are in the middle of her 11th week, I am not posting those just yet, even though they are cute, they are all cute! I love her so stinkin much! :) Love you all too!!! Thank you all for your continued love and support!!! MWAH! xxx

Create a free photo slideshow

I am trying my hardest to catch up as I really want to document everything for Autumn on this blog. The only thing I've been good about is taking pictures, so this post will mostly be a picture-fest! Ever since Autumn turned 6 weeks, we have had a very rough time trying to make her comfortable as she has been really gassy. One night we actually had to call the doctor because she was screaming painful cries, but we are still working on what seems to be giving her the painful gas. When we went in to see the doctor for it, she seemed fine, but that night she went through it all over again, which seems to be an every night and sometimes day event. She is sleeping one to two hours at a time, with an occasional 3 hour bout which makes me feel better. But she is eating and gaining good weight and gives me the most wonderful smile (most of the time) when she sees me and I'm smitten :) Her last weight check at 6 weeks was 9 lbs, 5 ozs! Our next doctor appointment is Sept. 7th where she will be weighed and measured and receive some shots. Hopefully a few more tips on getting rid of some gas will be revealed, seems like Im always pulling teeth for tips like that...strange. The tip was an ounce of warm water to help push the gas through...I guess they usually don't want you giving an infant plain water??? Well, it helped greatly, and when she gets bad, we just do it, cause we know it will help, and we don't do it often.

Anyhow, that's all I'm able to get in writing, I spent my time doing pictures and now she is waking up, so I will attempt again soon to update :) I miss and love you all, and I try to read updates from my phone when I can. xxxooo Nan

Autumn at 4 weeks old: