Yesterday, we had an OB appointment, and everything went well thankfully. I am told that if I have more than 6 contractions in an hour to go to the ER, and that I can try lots of water and pee alot and lay on my left side to try and help them to stop. The most Ive had now is 3 in an hour, which caused a little panic, but I am fine.

Everyone appears so genuinely happy that we are past the 28 week mark, including the doctors. There are alot of doctors in this practice, so I rarely get to see one I know each time I go, but our doctor yesterday wanted to already schedule the removal of the cerclage which won't be until I am 36/37 weeks. I really do not like to schedule anything in advance of 2 weeks, as I feel I jinxed myself making all of those appointments last year with the girls. Who am I to say I will be pregnant still at 36/37 weeks? I am no one! I have no control over this, so why should I plan ahead until Autumn gets here safe? These are the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis. I wish it weren't so, but it is.

While I am extremely happy to have gotten this far, I have found myself crying every day this week, about something really stupid, or something really serious. I tried to move forward a few times, and broke down. Going into T.arget the past few times has left me a hysterical mess. We did manage to buy two inexpensive baby gates that we will be putting up (one on top of the other) in front of the nursery to act as our "screen", maybe we will try that today or tomorrow. The rest, well, I am shopping online for sure. Yesterday, I bought online what I consider Autumn's first purchase, which was a crib mattress. So in the same breath of saying "why should I plan ahead?", I am trying to plan her arrival in small steps so I can be ready if/when we make it. I am allowing the online browsing for baby things, I am allowing the scheduling nurse to call me to schedule the cerclage removal, I am allowing myself to look into private or in-home classes for some preparedness with lactation, birth and baby care (and if that is not available I will pick brains and read a ton). But sometimes along with this, comes anxiety, tears, hope, grief, fear, happiness, and you just don't know where you stand. You feel you are burdening everyone with the constant back and forth thoughts that most don't understand. Another topic that has come up is a baby shower. And all I can think is, how does anyone expect me to be able to sit through a baby shower, when I can't even shop in a store around others without breaking down? I refuse to fake my way through something like that, the visual triggers ignite the tears. It is such a genuine gesture, but I cannot see myself in that situation yet, so I compromise and say "maybe after Autumn's safe arrival", and even then it's if-y.

I realize this post is all over the place, back and forth between grief and hope. But that is our life, and many others like mine. I write this to get my thoughts out on paper (well, blog paper) and de-stress. I write this to let someone else know they aren't alone. I write this to tell anyone who wants to know, where I am at mentally. I write to relieve some grief, and let in some hope.

Love, Nan xxxooo