I'm happy, and I'm sad.
I (and I'm sure many others do as well) have a love/hate relationship with the word "viability".
Main Entry: vi·a·ble
Function: adjective
1 : capable of living; especially : having attained such form and development as to be normally capable of surviving outside the mother's womb
2 : capable of growing or developing
3 a : capable of working, functioning, or developing adequately
— vi·a·bil·i·ty \ˌvī-ə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
I guess it is the 'best' word to describe it, but when you are delivering 3 babies before their time, and were so naive you didn't even know about having to be 24 weeks before they can even help you/them, it hurts. Bad.
Making it to 24 weeks with Autumn is another wonderful milestone, and I consider every day I have her with me a milestone, and a HUGE blessing.
I have been so torn today, very emotional. I was in Target with Mike and the cashier asked me all sorts of questions about my belly and she was very sweet, and then out came the question of "is this your first" and I wasn't prepared when I should have been...and I didn't want to make her feel bad in the short explanation I would have only been able to give her as we were paying at the time. I said "yes". How could I say that? I went to the car and bawled my eyes out the whole way home...I felt as though I disrespected my sweet girls. Mike calmed me down, said I don't need to explain myself every time to a stranger...but its soooo hard. Sometimes I want to hide my belly so no one asks me questions, and that is rotten too....lose/lose situation.
We also had an OB appointment today, and all went well. I was tested for BV (was negative) and will also go for a UTI check at the lab tomorrow or Friday as a precaution, as I sometimes have pressure after I pee, like I have to pee more. Other than that, I am measuring well and her heartbeat is good at 142. She is not as active as I had felt the week before, I think it's getting tighter in there and she might be getting ready to be in the position that she won't be able to flip much anymore. Its all amazing. I also asked the doctor if they had any suggestions on a pillow to sleep with, because a few times I wake up and I am laying on my back which is a no-no. I've been using toss pillows but they fall off the bed or I push them to Mike. She didn't have any suggestions, but I was wondering if anyone reading this might? Thanks in advance if you do. I had some light spotting after the exam, but she said it's ok. But I know I will be watching that like a hawk.
Overall, I am grateful, grateful for my babies in Heaven, grateful for the grasshopper in my belly and grateful for wonderful supportive family, friends, ladies in bloggerland and forumland. I'll keep trudging forward, day by day, until I have little grasshopper safe in my arms.
Love, Nan xxxooo
About this blog
>I am a Mom to triplet angel girls born too soon on March 6, 2009. This blog has been created so I can write my thoughts and feelings down, and journal the quest to continue trying to have earthly children. This is the next chapter of our lives, rebuilding hope, and pressing on through our tremendous loss, and infertility struggles.
About Me
- Nan & Mike
- PA, United States
- Wife to a wonderful man, Mom to triplet angel girls in Heaven and our earthly rainbow grasshopper arrived safe and sound in our arms on July 8th, 2010. Blogging is one of the things that help me get by everyday, and I hope what I write might help someone else feel not so alone.
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Persevering To Become An Earthly Mommy
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9 comments:
((HUGS)) Glad that you have made it to this milestone, here is to many more! I wake up on my back too, I don't really think it that big of a deal, I wouldn't stress yourself out over it.
This is a huge milestone, but I hate that word viable as well. Who are you to choose not to work on my baby? It's sad, I'm sorry you had a rough time at Target. It's hard to know when to explain and when not to. I know people ask me all the time if I have children and I just say 'no' when in my heart I know I have two. The explaination is just too hard most of the time, then there are people who don't feel the same way we do about our babies, and that I hate worse.
But you have made a huge milestone, you are making progress and you ARE moving forward. It will all be worth it when sweet Autumn Marie comes to join us in the outside of the tummy world! I'm so excited for that for you and Mike!!
I had a friend say (obviously to someone else, not me) that she would put a body pillow behind her, so that if she rolled to her back she was never completely flat. Just a thought!
Love and hugs to you!!!
Nan-
Such a milestone-so happy, yet so sad-saturday was 24 weeks for me. Sometimes I let myself get a little excited thinking about how close in age, my girl, your girl, and kerry's boy will be!!!!
As for the sleeping on the back thing-same thing happens to me and I talked to my peri about it. He said that the only time it is really dangerous is when you are super huge and could put pressure on which could cease the blood flow-but he said if that happened, you would feel sick and wake up. Basically he said sleep however you are comfortable and don't lie directly just on your back without any sort of pillows behind you. Not end all advice by any means, but just what my peri said. And he wrote a book, you know, so he's GOT to be smart (HAHAHA).
Love to you, my friend!!!!
I was going to say the same thing as Deni--around 24-26 weeks, I was just having such a hard time sleeping (ALWAYS been a tosser and a turner) and it just hurt...I bought one of the big body/C pillows at Babies R Us (you can get one anywhere) and that helped a lot. I originally bought a big body pillow, but the C pillow was better because part was under my shoulders and stopped me from rolling onto my back, and the other part rounded and was able to go through my legs and that helped hip pain. Highly recommend.
It is obtrusive, but there were many nights I found John trying to cuddle the pillow too! He swears he thought it was me, but...I don't think so!
It's hard not to worry--I remember John asking my OB when we could sort of relax in our worry--12 weeks? 24 weeks? 34 weeks? What?
He said, "Never."
I thought he was a big nanny, nanny poo-poo but...he sort of knew what he was talking about.
That said, the worry doesn't change a single thing...so I am so thrilled you have a sweet little girl rumbling around in there to remind you that every second is wonderful and take them as they come.
Please don't beat yourself up for saying that in Target...it shows your compassion for not wanting the girl to feel bad, and you crying reminds us of how VERY hard it is to be in the position you are--a mother without her children...and no one knows how hard that is and how conflicted you are until you are there.
Lots of hugs!
Nan! Yay 24wks. you are now 4 wks more pg than you have ever been. I'm sorry for your experience in the store, but don't feel bad about your answer, it's hard when you are caught off guard and i've been caught like that a couple of times and i don't even have a belly. Your girls know what you feel and they understand. I am sending you, the grasshopper and your triplet angels lots and lots of love.
I hate that word too... It means so much and yet... I know you know what I mean.
One day, you'll feel okay explaining all your children. It may take 50 years, but one day, it wont matter that someone else is uncomfortable, and your heart wont be weighed down. They tell me this is true. While I also say how many kids I have, I am also so acutely aware of how uncomfortable most people are made by it and that, in turn, makes me feel bad. But it has gotten easier with time and I hope that one day the "old timers" are right, and that I wont feel the slightest angst.
It is hard when well meaning comments cause us pain. The pillow from Babies R Us is called a Snoogle pillow, and they are great!
yay for 24 weeks! that is so wonderful, nan. i've told people nora is my first a few times, too. i hate that question. it's not fair. i hate having to think about how i want to answer it. i'm sorry this can't be blissful and painless. i'm so glad your doc is doing infection checks. i ask for them at every appt. i feel like if i didn't, they would never check. i'm currently finishing up my 7th round of antibiotics. hang in there! you're doing great!
Hi, Nan,
I am a little late in posting a comment as most times on non-private blogspot sites, I don't get the comment box to post. (Frustrating!) Anyway... just wanted to let you know that of course I get that same question all the time - nearly every day. (I think I must talk a lot to new people.) I always give a full answer but try to cushion it in a way so that the asker doesn't feel bad (like we hope this is our first baby to come from the hospital with us as we had triplets last year who were born when I was sick and did not make it... or something like that).
I wrote about the one time I answered a similar question without the full answer. I had a similar reaction as you and decided it was better to give the full answer, even if it wasn't a happy story. It seems like if I can smile and impart the love I have for my babies rather than the sadness I carry that they are not here with us, the asker doesn't feel bad.
FYI, the post I referenced is here: http://makingcoyne.squarespace.com/journal/2009/9/23/no-right-answer.html
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