*sigh* I will start off by saying I think everything is ok, but I am always paranoid and unsure of myself. My concerns now are a slight clear discharge and some continued cramping that I will call my doctor about today. On to the "experience":

We arrived at the hospital a little after 6am for my 8:30am surgery, only to find out that somehow the doctor's office screwed up and we weren't scheduled until 12pm. They did not want to send me home in case there was an opening, so about 3 hours later they put me in a room with hubby and started an IV. My lovely nervous stomach decided to act up and sent me into the bathroom a few times (a case of IBS?), when the nurse finally got me some Zofran to calm my nausea, as it usually calms my nerves too. At noon, they were on time, and everyone was ready to go. The anesthesiologist came in to explain he was giving me a spinal, which I had just learned was different than an epidural (which is what I had to deliver my girls). I had never had a spinal and thought it might be similar. The doctor also visited to apologise for the time mix up (what else could he say?), and see if we had any questions. So I was wheeled off into the OR, lots of nice people around thankfully as I was still nervous. They did the spinal but were fishing for a while (thanks minor scoliosis?) and I finally felt weird shooting sensations going up and then down and then I couldn't feel a thing below my rib cage. My feet were then strung up in the air in what looked like flexible gym rings and I was in a sitting chair position but on my back. The table then proceeded to tilt backwards, I sware I thought I had seen it all, I even said that outloud to attempt to use humor to calm myself. A sterile screen was then put up and then everyone went to work. A nurse and nurse anesthestist were sitting up by my head checking on me, talking to me, and I remember babbling about the birth of my girls and then about Mike talking care of me, etc etc. I remember looking at the clock it was 12:50 when they were done and starting to get me prepped to go into recovery. My feet were down from the stirrups but it felt like they were still up in the air, I couldn't signal any part of my body except my arms. I was wheeled off to a recovery room in PACU and couldn't see Mike yet. I layed there flat for 2 hours struggling and frustrated trying to signal my legs and got my right leg to cooperate after an hour, all the while trying to cough and breathe and not being able to use my stomach muscles, so I breathed through my nose for what felt like forever. Finally I got my left leg to flip flop around (not that cooperatively) after an hour and a half and the recovery nurse discharged me to the same day unit to finish the process after 2 hours. I got into that department and the nurses were all busy, but after 15 minutes Mike was in with me. I was so happy to see him. He told me he got worried and ticked off because the doc came out to tell him everything was ok at 1pm and that someone would be right out to get him, but I was in recovery for 2 hours after that! Duh! I still couldn't move my left leg easily or feel my foot or butt, so I wasn't able to do the necessary "pee before you leave" until around 5:30 and then got the the hell out of there.

Unless it is absolutely necessary for the baby's health and safety, I will never ever have a spinal ever again. I don't know why but I feel so upset from the whole day, crying alot, even still, like I went thru trauma or something. I was crampy, sore and tired and had a little blood discharge into the evening, but then the discharge turned clear and has continued light but clear since Friday night, which has me a little worried. But what can I do? Honestly? If this discharge is nothing, then great, but if its not, there is nothing I can do. There is nothing they will do. I know I am talking crazy and paranoid, but I have nothing to compare this to except my loss. I am calling the doc today to see if its normal or whatnot.

Sorry this post sounds so depressing. I am just so wrecked mentally. I got through it, but I need to know that it worked and that it's going to work, and there is no guarantee. Welcome to our new life and personal hell. I was telling my Mom that I could do IVF 50 times over......but this? This has beaten me..

I will hopefully post my next update with some good and positive news...hopefully.

Love Nan xo