My baby girl on her 2nd birthday :) Pics
Little Miss Autumn is going to a preschool summer camp 3 days a week starting next Monday. She is soooo ready and I can tell she craves more knowledge and socialization, she is so inquisitive. My little one is getting so big and I am doing my best to document every moment (lots of sticky notes!). We went to visit a few places to check them out and this place was beyond perfect and has the word "Rainbow" in its name, how much more perfect could it be? She will be playing pretty much on a farm as they have animals and gardens, pools, pony rides and lots of playgrounds. The people there do not know our story and I did not tell them (yet), and regardless they just treated us with just the sweetest embrace and made me feel so comfortable, and that they really do care about each child (not that other places don't, this was just a feeling I had). When we left this place after signing up, I couldn't help but break down and cry. How bittersweet, how very bittersweet. I love you Autumn xoxoxo
I cannot believe she will be 2 in one month. The time is flying, and I know its because we are having fun. She falls down and says "baby down". She says please and thank you. She gives kisses kisses kisses and holds your cheeks while she does it. She says I love you. She loves to play airplane and spin around and go outside. She loves to wear tutus and I love to make them. She knows just about every Disney and Sprout cartoon tv character and loves to sing all the classic songs like twinkle twinkle, abc's, old macdonald, etc. When looking for something she yells out "where are you!". She shows a bit of a temper and hits me, then says sorry mommy or ouch (we are working on this!). There is so much more to share. All in all she amazes me. Learning and growing with her is my honor. She will always know how much her Dad and I love her. Here are some pictures, and I hope to update more before her birthday, which I think will be a Winnie the Pooh theme - she loves all of the Pooh characters! xoxoxo Nan
Click here for May Pics
Click here for March and April Pics
Have I ever said how incredibly thankful I am for my sweet earthly adorable daughter?! She amazes me every single day as I watch her grow and learn. I am in total awe of her and miss her so much during the day. I do love the greeting I now get when I get home, she is usually at the door saying 'hi mummy' over and over and smiling so big, then gives me a great big leg hug! We have our nightly routine of eat dinner, playing, then reading then jammies and some snuggle time and drift off to sleep. I am so grateful for this miracle and feel so privileged to be her mommy. Autumn I love you more than life itself!!! xxxooo More pics to come!!!
It's been a long time since I've come here...thank you for stopping in to read if you still do! I am just going to post the latest picture links on this post and update more of her milestones soon! All in all she is a beautiful little girl who has been battling ear infections and a virus since Christmas, but she is finally getting over all of that I think (I hope!). A few of my favorite things she says are please, nite-nite, bye-bye, hello (more like ha-woah), baby, ball, Dada, Mama and mooooo! She gives Daddy high-fives and me a kiss bye-bye in the morning when I leave for work, it's too sweet! She loves piggy back rides and playing airplane. Her eating and sleeping habits haven't been great, but we are working on it, plus being sick hasn't helped her. I love this little blessing and I'm so grateful for her :) Enjoy...!!!
Few Picture & Video Links From November to Present:
https://picasaweb.google.com/109016839546228508099/NanPhoneOctNov2011?authkey=Gv1sRgCNDN-6fI6_TH1AE#
https://picasaweb.google.com/109016839546228508099/TurkeyDay2011Autumn16MonthsAndTheRestOfNovemember2011?authkey=Gv1sRgCIztzIXNx-yWogE#
https://picasaweb.google.com/109016839546228508099/Dec2011AutumnTargetPhotos121911?authkey=Gv1sRgCNDKspy39Naf3wE#
https://picasaweb.google.com/109016839546228508099/NanPhoneDownloadsDec2011Jan2012?authkey=Gv1sRgCNrq692I3qOb4AE#
Has a year seriously arrived? Wow, and no post in 7 months? What a slacker I am! As little Miss Autumn crawls around my feet, I type. I don't come here much and I chalk it up to working all day and wanting to be with Autumn til we fall asleep. I do write down all of her milestones on sticky notes at work and put them in my purse for a later sorting time. We had her big birthday party bash last Sunday and it was very sweet. We had a year check up appt at the pediatrician this morning and get to try and take her off soy formula now, and she is growing well! She is 21 pounds and 29 inches!
I will eventually try to come back to both blogs eventually, as it does help greatly to write. But for now, if you want to see some pictures and catch up with Autumn's growth you can click on these links.
Love, Nan xxxooo
Some pics and a few videos of Autumns 1st bday party:
https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=nancywithtriplets&target=ALBUM&id=5625826875840376977&authkey=Gv1sRgCL7GrJe0soHCrgE&feat=email
This link is for her birthday portraits we had done a month ago:
https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=nancywithtriplets&target=ALBUM&id=5611949257398743553&authkey=Gv1sRgCPOM3aOmppW_bQ&feat=email
Pictures from June/July:
https://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/NanPhonePicsOfAutumnJuneAndJuly2011?authkey=Gv1sRgCOfjt_GDuOGWHA&feat=email#
Pictures from March/April/May:
https://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/52711NanPhonePicsMarchAprilMay?authkey=Gv1sRgCIGz6LH80MWMIw&feat=email#
Pictures from January/February/March:
https://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/NanPhonePicsFromOfAutumnJanuaryFebAndMarch2011?authkey=Gv1sRgCM2MlcT-ru2abg&feat=email
Here is the babies garden progress that I have been updating, its amazing to see it go from bare to beautiful!
https://picasaweb.google.com/nancywithtriplets/GardenProgressAllOf2011#
Autumn is 5 Months old today, and yesterday she had her first tooth come through. I missed it, I was at work, so I was semi-depressed to be missing things like the "firsts", but hubby was quick to call and share thankfully. Pics to share with you for now...love to you all xxxooo
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All of her 4th Month pics:
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Hello whoever is still out there checking in on us, sorry for no updates. Ever since returning to work in September it seems that I don't have any time to blog, and any time I do have is spent with Autumn. I will be trying to catch up over the Thanksgiving break and post lots and lots of pictures (my phone's memory is almost full!), so I will return to post and comment/catch up with my sweet bloggie friends soon! Autumn is doing good, she is 13.3 lbs and 24 inches and too cute :) More to come...Happy Thanksgiving xxxooo
The last two days I have come home from work around 5, and Autumn is asleep by 6. All I want to do is see her and play with her and she is asleep :) She will wake again around 9 or 10 to eat and then sleep again. People say that it's like a light switch goes off (or on?) when a baby turns 3 months old, and they change because of growth and want to eat and sleep. I am not sure this "saying" holds true for everyone, but it sure did for us. We went from barely sleeping to sleeeeeeeeping. Sure, she will wake up in the middle of the night to eat, but she wants to eat with her eyes closed and go back to bed when she's done. It's really rather cool!!! I am enjoying her when I can....
It's so funny, she is actually making a liar out of me and starting to wake an hour into this sleep-time. So I leave you with 3 month pics. I still owe week 12...soon. And I need to share some therapist thoughts that I found interesting....soon.
Love, Nan xxxooo
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Autumn...
She slept 6 hours in a row last night and we were floored! Almost like she knew I went back to work and was exhausted and needed sleep, pretty cool. Hubby is doing a great job with her and playing Mr. Mom :) Speaking of hubby, we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, which was nice takeout and a rented movie, all with our sweetie-pie next to us :) Oh and at her 8 week appointment, she weighed 1o lbs, 4 oz, I imagine by now she is about 11 or 12...I need to try and weigh her soon. She smiles and tries to talk but words don't come out, although one of them sounds like "hello". She is sleeping on me now as I try to type with one hand.
Work...
Is work. Fortunately the people make it worthwhile.
AngelCare...
Yep, im talking about the crib monitor. Its a really wonderful invention, but the alarm went off the other day, and scared the living daylights out of me. She was fine, nothing appeared wrong, I still dont know why it went off. I did not know I could run that fast. I noticed that it is extremely sensitive to the point where it detected the mobile moving if the window was open and a slight breeze came through moving it just a tad. So I guess you could say I have a love hate relationship with it, mostly love, as it monitors my most precious little girl.
That is all for now...
Except special prayers going out to a few sweet friends who are hurting right now...persevering to become earthly mommies really does take alot out of your heart and mind, so I pray anyone struggling right now to feel lifted and loved.
Love Nan xxxoooo
Well I certainly didn't intend for so much time to go by without updating, but here I am, and tomorrow I return to work, which will make me even more scarce around here. I really love to write here and on my girls blog, as it has proved to be great therapy, so sometimes it really saddens me that I don't write as much as I want or need to. But when your priorities change, you need to change along with them. I feel like (at first) I didn't prepare enough for Autumn's actual being here on earth, more for another loss :( ... I said that alot when she was first born, but now we are getting into the rhythm of things and its so much better. She still has her gassy fussy moments, but I think it's just how things are for her. We are now on soy formula and trying the mylicon drops with that. So far, at night, she sleeps around 3 hours, then maybe 3 or 4 hours and then 2 hours, and wakes up for an hour in between each to eat, and sometimes play :) I wouldn't trade an ounce of sleep for any of it, I love it all, and above all I appreciate her.
So on playing a little bit of catch-up, I wanted to share a couple of things (the short, kind of short versions) from the past 10 weeks. Oh, and I have not written her birth story yet, I will do that at another time for sure.
Psychiatrists R' Us...
On Autumn's birth-day, prior to her arrival, my trusted OB came in and mentioned that he thought it would be a good idea if I saw a psychiatrist while I am in the hospital for a few days, just to make sure I am ok. I trust him alot so I said that would be fine. Well, a day later, a fairly nice, but obviously new and nervous intern came in to ask us some questions for the hospital psychiatrist, and said she would come back with him later, that she was going to give him our information. While it was hard to answer her questions and talk about my girls, I felt a bit of peace about it all, that I was actually handling it, and doing sooooo good. I felt GOOD. I felt HAPPY, especially now that we made it with one daughter on earth. Later that afternoon, the psych knocked on the door, but Mike was not there and I felt a little caught off guard, but he said we wouldn't be that long so I said "fine"....well, then 6 or 7 other student interns came walking in behind him, surrounding my bed and staring at me, making me feel like the smallest human on earth, I cringed in my bed and then took a deep breath and I belted out "oh absolutely not, I am not comfortable with this!". Where I found that voice from within, I don't know, but I wound up letting the nervous intern and the Dr. stay, although I wish I would've kicked him out too, because all he offered was an Ativan...my PCP could have ordered me that, all that for ATIVAN? Grrr....so it was upsetting and a bit of a setback, but I eventually got over it and continued in my forward journey. Looking back, I sometimes think should I have let those interns hear me, hear me talk about child-loss and child-life and the delicate balance we walk everyday in between, just to hear my voice, just 7 people, would I have made a difference? Probably. But I wasn't asked if they could come in, I wasn't prepared for it, had I been, I think I would have been fine.
The Breastfeeding Fiasco...(this could be TMI to some, just saying!)
Well, we tried, we tried, and we tried. The first time Autumn tried to BF, the nurse placed a shield over my boob, said my nip was flat. Well she took to it the 3rd or 4th try, but nothing was there for her to eat. I wasn't producing. So Autumn was getting angry! We would keep trying with shield and without shield and the shield would fly across the room half the time from her being mad and flailing. I was unable to walk since I had a c-section, so I couldnt get up and get it!! I was getting three opinions per day on what I should and should not be doing from everyone, it was very hard to pick what was right or wrong, I was getting so anxious. I starting getting the colustrum around the 3rd day, so she was able to get that at the very least, and I was pumping all the time. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't producing. I was delirious. I was anxious. My baby was crying for over a week. My baby lost almost a pound and screamed her head off at home. We called the pediatrician..."go get ready made formula". 12:30 am, Mike runs out to get the formula, fill the bottle fast and then.......quiet. The formula ran through her tiny little body like a drain, you could hear it all. And then, she slept for 4 hours. No brainer, she needs formula from now on, give up BF'ing. So I pumped a little more, felt guilty for stopping, pumped until I saw that after a week and a half I got only an ounce at the most. Just stop, stop Nance, you don't need to feel guilty, your still a good person, and even YOU were bottlefed, its ok. I talked to myself alot through that time. I talked to other loss moms with and without rainbow babies through text messages and recieved so much support, thank you ladies, you know who you are. :) I actually like bottle feeding because it lets everyone participate in her feedings, and I apparently need to sleep more than 2 hours at a time...hubby says Im grumpy if I don't sleep! Hmmm.
Baby Shower...
Autumn was 5 weeks old when I allowed a baby shower, finally. I felt bad, it was put together fast and everyone in my family wanted to do something ever since they knew I was prego with Autumn, but I couldn't do it. I don't even know how I got through the shower, except for thinking to myself that "this is for Autumn". I know I cried a bunch of times, but I allowed myself to do that, and let people see the real me, the one who is sometimes still broken, the one who has so many tributes in her home, including a shelf with their urn above the rocker where we feed Autumn most of the time. Autumn stares and smiles alot at it, and also the picture with their names on it, its pretty cool. Anyway, yes, the shower was at my home, which was very comforting also. Everyone got to see the Autumn in person, and the nursery, and I got to see many people that I love dearly who have been out of my life for a very long time now. Again, a bittersweet thing.
Presents...
We received so many sweet, thoughtful, beautiful and heartfelt gifts from so many! I am eternally grateful! I would love to mention you all, but it would take probably two days! And you know me, time is not on my side :) But there is one, one very very gracious soul that I must must must share with you all, and only because she did the most selfless thing I have ever seen, known or experienced in my entire lifetime. I mean ever. And I cried and cried. And I called her and cried. And even my husband cried. If you don't know Deni, you need to! Deni has lost two angel babies, Layla and Michael, and has been trying to get pregnant again for a very long time. Her and her hubby decided to try and adopt last year, and they thought they found a perfect birthmother and she was having a girl. This girl was due a week before Autumn, so Deni and I tried planning things together, and that her little girl would be here with mine, and they would be BFF's, and Deni kept moving forward with nursery plans and decorating and buying clothes to prepare for this little one to arrive, doing so good and staying positive. And then, the birthmother scammed Deni and her husband right to the very end, and her dreams were shattered once again. We were all heartbroken and it devastated many. Deni boxed up all of the clothes (many many clothes) and put them in a box and shipped them all to me. She could not bear have them in her home, but wanted them to go to something positive, my Autumn. *tears* Deni, you are beautiful, and I know I will be sending clothes back to you someday, two-fold! Deni is currently on the TTC road again, please send her many prayers and visit her blog!
Work...
Ok, so I'm going back to work tomorrow, I have no idea how I will feel, but I'm allowing myself to cry all day there if I want to, and I know my co-workers will understand, so I'm grateful for that. But what about the next day, and the next, and the next? Will I be ok? Hubby will be watching her, since he is still not cleared to work after a work accident he had last year, and it's been so nice having him home with me all of this time. He will be coming up to my work a few times this week with Autumn to help me cope, but I want him up there everyday! :) Ugh, I just can't stand to be away from her for too long. I've been no longer than 2 hours away from her as of yet. I've worked too hard to get her here, so if someone has to watch her, Im glad its hubby....what happens when he returns to work? I dont know.
I'm Done For Now...
Ok, now that I've gotten 4 of the 50 things out of my head, without further adieu, here are my 100 pictures from weeks 8, 9 and 10 of Autumn's life :) Since we are in the middle of her 11th week, I am not posting those just yet, even though they are cute, they are all cute! I love her so stinkin much! :) Love you all too!!! Thank you all for your continued love and support!!! MWAH! xxx
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I am trying my hardest to catch up as I really want to document everything for Autumn on this blog. The only thing I've been good about is taking pictures, so this post will mostly be a picture-fest! Ever since Autumn turned 6 weeks, we have had a very rough time trying to make her comfortable as she has been really gassy. One night we actually had to call the doctor because she was screaming painful cries, but we are still working on what seems to be giving her the painful gas. When we went in to see the doctor for it, she seemed fine, but that night she went through it all over again, which seems to be an every night and sometimes day event. She is sleeping one to two hours at a time, with an occasional 3 hour bout which makes me feel better. But she is eating and gaining good weight and gives me the most wonderful smile (most of the time) when she sees me and I'm smitten :) Her last weight check at 6 weeks was 9 lbs, 5 ozs! Our next doctor appointment is Sept. 7th where she will be weighed and measured and receive some shots. Hopefully a few more tips on getting rid of some gas will be revealed, seems like Im always pulling teeth for tips like that...strange. The tip was an ounce of warm water to help push the gas through...I guess they usually don't want you giving an infant plain water??? Well, it helped greatly, and when she gets bad, we just do it, cause we know it will help, and we don't do it often.
Anyhow, that's all I'm able to get in writing, I spent my time doing pictures and now she is waking up, so I will attempt again soon to update :) I miss and love you all, and I try to read updates from my phone when I can. xxxooo Nan
Autumn at 4 weeks old:
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Autumn at 5 weeks old:
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Autumn at 6 weeks old:
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Autumn at 7 weeks old:
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xxxooo
Yesterday, Autumn Marie turned 4 weeks old! She had a pediatrician appointment and all is well thankfully :) She now weighs 8.2 pounds which was a wonderful surprise to us, as she weighed 6.12 pounds two weeks ago at her last appointment. We do not go back to the doctors for another month, and she will get some shots at the next visit. She also gained a 1/2 inch in length. I love watching her grow and make facial expressions, and comforting her when she cries, and changing her...everything...I cannot get enough of this tiny little miracle who has lightened my heart. She amazes me everyday, and I marvel that I have this perfect little girl to hold in my arms. In fact I always find it very hard to put her down (or sleep!) cause I just do not want to let her go. I don't know how to leave her or separate from her. I guess some would call that "normal", but I really don't care what they call it, I just want to be with her and not miss a thing! I've decided I will learn how to do that in my own good time and will take everything as it comes day by day, I refuse to rush myself.
Eventually I will write her birth story. I am very very very grateful to my husband that he had his head together (I think?!) on her birthday and video'd the entire thing, so I can watch it forever and remember all of those little details (and learn the ones that I couldn't see myself!). The video he took is so amazing and it makes me tear up thinking about it.
Enjoy some pics below :) Love, Nan xxxooo
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I know I've been a bad blogger and I want to write soooo so much, but there is no time, which is a good thing :) I will update when I can, but for now, I have some photos to share!
Autumn's 2nd week of life entailed a few more winks of sleep, lots of playing dress up (attempting, anyhow!), and of course, lots of love:
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Autumn's 3rd week of life has been very eventful, she lost her cord (has an inn-ey belly button!) and had her first bath, and we do lots of tummy time so she can learn to lift her head on her own. We also have had a steady flow of visitors and they all love her:
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She will be 4 weeks on Thursday and has her 3rd doctor appointment that day....time is going too fast!!!
Hope everyone is well. Love, Nan xxxooo
We cannot get enough pictures of her!!! Loving every minute of her life!!!
The following slideshow is not in any particular order, we just had many photo sources and I slapped them together on here :) Thanks for all of the well wishes, welcomes, gifts and prayers, I will try to catch up soon!
Enjoy below or click on this link for a larger view. xxxooo
Safe and sound! I cannot thank you all enough for your prayers, support and love in helping us to have our beautiful baby girl. Without this help, I really do not know where I would be. Her birth was very bittersweet, surreal and amazing with lots of tears. We are still in the hospital and have lots of healing and adjusting to do, but hubby brought the computer in for me to get a quick post in while she sleeps! I am so blessed to be surrounded by all of you.
So, I introduce my 4th daughter to you:
Autumn Marie Reiber
Born July 8th via c-section for breech presentation at 9:12am
Weighs 7 pounds 1 ounce
Is 20 inches long
More info and pics to come asap. Love you all so much, Nan xxx
Feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotion today. I think about everything that has happened in the last 16 months, and I cry. I think about how guarded I still am about tomorrow, and I cry. I think about my friends who are struggling right now, and I cry. I know this all comes with the territory, but to live it is harder than I thought, trying to enjoy this entire experience was harder than I thought. Tomorrow is going to be the most bittersweet day of my entire life (if I keep my attempts up to stay positive for her), so how do you prepare yourself for something like that? You don't. You go with the flow and let the emotions play out I suppose. Maybe if I run out of tears today, then I will see clearer tomorrow! Fat chance, huh. Pregnancy after loss is definitely challenging, that is why I think I chose the words of this blog as "persevering", because you really are pressing on through the fears, the doubts and the scares, as I know all too well that bad things can happen. I pray I have great news tomorrow and will update as soon as I can. Thank you all again for your prayers, love and support, it all helps me greatly. Love, Nan xxx
I started out in this pregnancy mostly thinking we would never make it. I know, terrible thoughts. But I had nothing but a loss to compare it to. UNTIL, 20 weeks came and went, then 30 weeks and now 38 weeks. I am amazed and humbled to be here, but still anxious for her safe arrival. I get really obsessive with the kick count sheets they gave me as one is in the morning and one is in the evening, but they told me I only had to do one or the other....yeah right, give a BLM that and tell her to do one and she will do it three times over, and then some more. I HAVE to ensure her safety, and I want to be an earthly mommy to her so badly.
I had an OB appointment last Tuesday, and I'm still sore from the internal they gave me and also from the stitch removal surgery (ugh), which is apparently "normal" for what I went through. So I mostly lay in bed all day and count contractions, do crosswords, drink water and watch TV. I have been on the computer all day today catching up, so I'm hurting at the moment and will be logging off momentarily but wanted to just check in.
So on Tuesday I have a scheduled routine OB appt. where they will check for her position (still breech) and also see if I am dilated. On Wednesday I have pre-admission bloodwork, and on Thursday 7-8 I am scheduled for the c-section and Miss Autumn's birthday :) Unless ofcourse she turns or I go into labor sooner. Labor sooner could be a possibility as I am having alot of contractions and they are getting stronger and stronger each night, but no other signs that I can tell.
I also just wanted to mention that 2 dear friends, and lots other sweet bloggie friends are struggling right now and could really use some prayers. Please visit my girls' site if you can http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
Thanks for everyone's support. Don't know what I would do without it.
Love, Nan xxx
Can it be? Really? I thought not, but I was wrong. First I will say that we are all ok, and that Autumn is still tucked away. My head is all over the place and I cannot seem to complete a thought without another coming in because the anxiety of everything has just gotten to me. My thought process and rationalization have gone to all hell. So I guess I’m gonna write this all out so I can get it out of my head and see if it helps my weepy head.
Last Saturday night, around 11pm, I started having some pretty intense contractions lasting a minute or so each, with 5 to 10 minutes in between each one. They lasted for 2 hours before they calmed a bit and I finally got sleepy and fell asleep, waking every once in a while because of another strong one…nothing was consistent after two hours of regular ones. So we decided it wasn’t enough to call the doc or go to the ER.
On Father’s Day, we had a nice day and I made dinner, my Stepson spent the day with us and then after dinner I went to take a shower. I noticed I had just one strong contraction after dinner…nothing I thought too much about except I know I wrote it down. I had to pee after I got out of the shower (and this may be TMI so you are warned) and then wiped dry, got up and a gush of clear fluid ran down my leg….I thought my water broke….so we called the doctors and they said go to the ER triage to get checked out. So we took our time, not rushing as I wasn’t contracting or in any pain, I was thinking maybe I was having a slow leak, cause the only thing I had to compare any of this to, was the slow leak when I lost the girls. When the nurse put the ID band on my wrist, I could not help but think ‘I pray this is the last one of these I will need and she is born safe now’. They did an US and she was still breech, then they did an internal exam and took some swabs so they could analyze if it was amniotic fluid or not. Turns out it was not a rupture, but I did have a presence of BV (bacterial vaginosis), which can sometimes turn some of the mucous into a thinner consistency and do what it did. I get checked for this a lot, because I ask…and I only know about it mostly from reading about what causes preterm labor. The docs say since I am not considered preterm anymore, they weren’t too concerned if it does cause a rupture, but they put me on antibiotics anyway and sent us home. I call that visit “wristband number 4”.
During the rest of the week I was having more inconsistent contractions, but would just drink more and more water and it helped.
On Thursday, it was cerclage removal day. I couldn’t sleep all night thinking about the possibility and excitement that I could go into labor that day (low low chance, but I still was excited). We had a nice pleasant morning and arrived at the hospital ER triage at 8:15 to check in…the woman actually recognized us, and “wristband number 5” commenced. On the way in, our doctor who was doing the removal met us and he is just so awesome and encouraging I couldn’t help but smile and we joked a little. He said he’d be in after they got me situated. Another woman on the floor was in labor and I could hear them say that she was 35 weeks and needed an emergency csection, so I know my doc was probably called away to that. And I had NO PROBLEM waiting as long as I had to until he or one of his partners came around. But then this doctor, a resident (it’s a big teaching hospital) came in and said “I will be doing your cerclage removal today”. Mike and I looked at eachother and then I said “I thought Dr. M was doing it?” And the resident doc said insistently “No, I am doing it” and I think he even kinda caught the sweet nurse off guard so she just went with it. I was really hesitant, but felt like I couldn’t talk or speak as I know I cannot process things that fast anymore, and I just let it all start to happen. And this is what I am most upset at myself for, for not speaking up and saying anything, cause I wanted my doc to do it. So this doctor managed to only get half of the stitch out and pinched the crap out of my insides cause I could freakin feel it! The speculum was no picnic either, but when you have a cerclage everything is even more sensitive down there. He said to us that he would have my doctors come in to take a look cause he didn’t think he got it all. GREAT. My doc came in about a half hour later and said he was sorry he got called away, and that they told him that this was done already but he needed to check it, so he did an internal and could still feel the stitch. The stitch apparently embedded itself and he and his partner would take another chance at it shortly. His partner was actually the one who placed the stitch originally, and he did a great job. So now Dr. M starts to do the whole process of the speculum again and I was in pain, but tried to work it out in my head. The docs started trying to get this other piece out, but it was making me bleed more and more and ripping my cervix and I could feel every piece of gauze they were placing and started to get really upset. After about ten minutes of knowing I couldn’t take much more and they couldn’t see because of the blood and had nothing to suction it with in triage, they stopped and told me they would have to give me a spinal block and use the csection operating room to get the stitch out. Now I don’t have anything against resident docs, most I’ve met there have been wonderful, but I cannot help but think this guy was a jerk and not explain why he was doing it, not my docs, had he read my chart and seen I’d had a tremendous loss and if he had any social skills, he would have been more sensitive. The nurse talked me through everything he was doing, he DIDN’T. So even though this whole thing turned into a big production, I wouldn’t have minded as much if it had happened the same way but with my docs cause I TRUST them. Ya know? Am I making sense? I’m upset at myself really. So anyway, next thing we are told that they have the csection room open at 2pm and then we can go and get me fixed up. We had three hours to burn at this point. My anxiety was high, I was upset still and hated that Mike had to see me this upset once again and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind because of my inability to process everything. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for all of this, thinking I was going to have a positive experience to begin with. I then got myself all upset about having a spinal block done again, because of how it made me feel the last time I had one and I was scared and made my stomach upset. I wanted to ask about the option of an epidural instead since I could handle that better. When we finally got into the csection room, I talked with the anesthesiologist and he was pretty insistent on the spinal block, and I knew he was right and knowledgeable, but I broke down in there and I know I made him feel bad and I felt terrible about it. But everyone just kept encouraging me and then he said he would try to give me a lower dose so I could move my toes and the possibility of a high block would be a little less and would wear off a little faster. So with Mike in scrubs waiting outside in case an emergency csection was needed, I got through it all and they got the stitch out, but placed another one (dissolvable) because of the cervix bleeding. I had some really sweet nurses holding my hands the entire time too, thankfully. And I could feel my toes and didn’t get a high block this time. We then went into a recovery room where Mike could be with me right away and one of the sweet nurses stayed and talked with us and watched me as I was recovering. After about an hour or so they had to move me again, because this nurse wanted to keep me as her patient, but had to take a labor patient too, that was at about 5pm. I didn’t realize it until Mike said something and couldn’t sit still, but she wound up putting us in the same room that I delivered the girls in. I looked over to the little isolette room where they laid our babies to rest over a year ago and cried. The room was so small compared to what I remember it being, but anyway we were there to stay until I was able to walk and pee. Mike just kept massaging my legs trying to get me up and out of there, just too much heartache in there. I understood and I tried. Around 6pm I started feeling a lot of the feeling back, but I also started feeling contractions. Then, they got steadier and steadier and the nurse came in and said “um, do you think you are in labor?” she said she asked the docs to look at “cerclage girl’s” monitoring strip and tell her what to do. Yes, I was known as “cerclage girl” at that point, which was endearing in a way. I said I wasn’t sure but this didn’t feel right. The docs ordered more IV fluids and I finally got to pee and it seemed to slow things down a little bit. Finally at about 8:15 (12 hour day), they released me to go home and I was contracting about every 10 minutes irregularly, so they said to just keep the fluids up. I went home and just kept weeping, feeling broken and feeling horrible for my husband having to go through this day with me. I had contractions through the night, but not like they were. So that was Thursday.
So for the past two days I have been sore and on pelvic rest and not doing much except having a pity party for myself and having lots of tears. But that’s me, after I have a day or two I cannot handle, I crash and burn for a while and then resurface. My hubby is taking good care of me though, as he always does.
An extra thanks to a few of my girls on an email chain that kept me going on Thursday with thoughts and prayers and sweet notes. I don’t know what I would do without knowing you are all there. I wanted to enjoy every ounce of my pregnancy and I feel like my mind wouldn’t let me with all of the things happening. I suppose if things were uneventful then it would have been different. So now I just try and keep pressing on to the finish line to have Autumn safe and screaming in our arms. She continues to move around in there and let me know she is alright after the whole ordeal.
Why can’t I just sound grateful for what I have and stop feeling so negative? There are so many of us in the loss community struggling just to get pregnant or finalize an adoption, but that thought completely goes out of my head when I am going through any tough times. It’s like I can’t focus or rationalize anything. I spoke with the therapist about my thought process but we haven’t worked on anything yet because most of my appointments are going over everything that happened since I last saw her, as you can imagine it’s all spewing out words.
Hopefully you haven’t bailed on my long post, thanks if you haven’t. I think this is the longest post I’ve ever written. I wish for my next post to be a positive one with nothing but happy thoughts.
Thanks for listening.
Love, Nan xxx
I do not have hypertension right now :) My blood pressure thankfully went back down to normal. I wish I hadn't worried all week, but thankfully Autumn has been active enough to show me that she is ok in there. But that's what we do, we worry, we cry, we sob, etc, etc etc etc...and it's a good thing I don't have one of those auto BP checking machines or I'd be checking it every hour. There will never not be a worry, even as we watch her grow up, and hopefully the worries will never be as intense as they have been in my past and present.
The doc felt my belly for her position and now she has moved her head under my boobs again :) I think she is snuggling with me, love that thought, and it actually helped me to sleep and feel calm.
Thank you for your prayers :)
Love, Nan xxx
First, I have to thank you lovely ladies for all of your support and sweet helpful comments and emails from my last post. It was really a rough couple of days and my anxiety was really high. It actually physically showed that my anxiety was high when they took my blood pressure at my OB appointment yesterday as it was elevated to 140/90. This is not normal for me. I always have a 110/70 or 120/80 reading...so, I go back in on Friday afternoon for a blood pressure check. Im praying it's still not elevated, but if it is, then we could be delivering sooner than "the plan" for fear of preeclampsia or other complications. I am trying really hard to avoid Dr. Google as I know it will just scare me more.
"The Plan" is now this:
~37 weeks: June 24th, cerclage removal
~39 weeks: July 8th, scheduled c-section if Autumn is still breech (she was still breech yesterday) -or- I can opt to be induced if she is not breech.
So as long as I don't have hypertension, or, go into labor on my own, then "the plan" is a go, and Autumn's potential birthday will be 7-8 :) I'm just trying to focus on things working out and staying positive, as I know I really sounded at the end of my rope. Thanks for tying the knot in my rope sweet friends, I pray its all I need. I have no idea how the next few weeks will unfold, but I don't mind not knowing, as long as she is safe and sound and alive, in my arms.
I will end this post with a picture of the mural, it's almost finished! Just a few more finishing touches and details.
Love, hugs and prayers to you all, Nan xxx
PS....My blog appearance seems to be back to normal again, that was weird!!!
PPS....Thanks Andrea, for our phone chat, I really needed it!!!! Love to you xxx
PPPS....If anyone has trouble with this blog not showing up on your blog list, you apparently have to stop following and then re-follow all over again...if you are interested! It seems to happen to blogs that have been private at one time.
So much has gone on in this last week I wasn't quite sure where to begin. I guess I'll begin with the positives.
Last Wednesday (at 35 weeks) we were able to stop our P17 shots....so 'goodbye' long needles in the butt muscle, not sure I will miss you. Although, the last two nights I have noticed heavier and longer contractions, which by the way are not very regular so I'm trying not to worry, yet. But I am a believer in these shots, they have been a great security blanket.
Autumn is well, and I have a scheduled OB appointment tomorrow to get checked out. I will be asking for another ultrasound and lots of other questions as I always do. I'll try to share my answers on the next post.
Onto some negatives....and please don't read these as me being ungrateful, just a very emotional BLM who is struggling to get to the finish line to meet my precious baby girl.
I feel like Im slowly being torn apart mentally, like having a challenge here and there isn't enough, and I'm supposed to have nothing but fear....why is that? Do I have PTSD? Why am I so scared all of the time? Am I over-stimulated by the internet? Do I need to take a break?
Last Wednesday we had our fetal position ultrasound and Mike was with me. Autumn presented in a breech position with her feet on my cervix and her head on my left side. Which actually reminds me of the only good dream I've had this entire pregnancy...but I will get to that later. I mentioned to the tech (sweet girl) that I hadn't felt Autumn since the night before...and then she agreed that she hadn't moved much during the U/S and she would like to ask the doctor if he wanted to do anything. With my heart in my throat, the tech talked to the doc on the phone and then sent us over to L&D triage for a non-stress test (NST) to make sure she was ok, and she reassured me that Autumn's heart and fluid were good, that this was just precautionary. Let me tell you, I have had so many fears of getting so close to having her and her not making it, from such as a cord accident or all of the other things I now know that can happen. Terrible terrible thoughts, but it's all too real for a loss Mom. So we were over in triage, and my SIL was working that day so it helped to have her there. Autumn didn't do much for a half hour and so then they placed this handheld noisemaker to my belly that is supposed to get her to jump and annoy her....thankfully within a few minutes she was all over the place and moving well, and we were released soon after and things have been going ok but I've been even more paranoid following the kick count sheets...thankfully she is cooperating.
On Friday, I received a phone call from the scheduling nurse at my OB's office, saying that she received my chart and the doctors are moving my cerclage removal to Thursday the 24th because they want me to be 37 weeks 'just in case'. Now, while I know this is only in Autumn's best interest, I could not process that right away and had a meltdown. I was not prepared to have to change the date as I was so hopeful of this week and getting through it, and possibly going into labor and seeing her safe. For some reason I just keep having this feeling (and dreams) that I have to get her out or something is going to happen...this impending fateful doom. Regardless of my gut, I am still trying very hard to battle all of these feelings and remain positive. But one thing leads to another....
On Saturday night around 11 PM, some dipshit in my neighborhood started pounding on my front door and ran...scared the living shit out of me....yes neighbor, that is exactly what I need right now....F U !!!!!
Today, I was informed by my work that they are changing our insurance effective July 1st. What does this mean for us? No more fertility coverage...none, zip, nada. So I suppose I have started the grieving process for our inability to have our one more try at IVF, because for many people like ourselves, there is no affording it on your own. Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the 3 chances I have had so far and for knowing my sweet triplet angels in Heaven and also Miss Autumn waiting to make her entrance, and as long as I have her safe in my arms I will be so so so happy, but there will always be the feeling of wanting to be able to try that one last time to bring Autumn an earthly sibling. I cannot believe I am actually letting insurance dictate the way I am perceiving this. Maybe once it has sunk in and I've processed it, then I will have another plan or a better outlook...right now, I feel like I just lost yet another piece of myself.
I don't like to sound negative or depressed, no one does. I worry about PPD and if I am going to recognize it if I have it. I am wondering if a bigger break from blogging would help. I still check blogs, as I can surf around without being sore, it's when I start typing that my back starts getting really agitated. I want to be able to handle it all, and be that strong girl I once was that I haven't seen in a long time. How?
I apologize in advance if anyone is offended or upset by this post or any part of it, I just really needed to get it out.
Love, Nan xxx
PS....What the heck is going on with my blog background!!!!!!????? I guess I need to change it to something else but it was so perfect to me I don't want to give it up!!!!!
I know my update is long overdue, but the ol' back hasn't been wanting to cooperate with being on the computer! Or a sitting position for that matter. Still VERY emotional these days also.
Today I am 34w2d and I had a pregnancy massage! It was really wonderful, and although it helps take off some of the back pressure, it doesn't completely take it away, so I may not be on here long. I know my weight gain is not helping matters, but the docs are not concerned with it. I did not intend to gain 40 pounds (gasp), but oh well!!!
We had an OB appt yesterday and little Autumn is doing really well. She is still in the breech position so I get to have an U/S next week to check her position and see her! I was so excited to get that script, the doc laughed at me cause I was grinning ear to ear :) :) :) The docs wanted to discuss my "plan" in their meeting this morning, and called me to say that they are keeping my cerclage removal appointment on the 16th, and if by chance I go into labor, they will allow me to deliver! I think they are banking on me not going into labor, but if she is breech I will have a c-section and if she is not we will attempt vaginal delivery. I'll take whatever I can get to have her here safely! I won't get into the details of how the appt started as we were extremely ticked off at how we were treated by the NP...but everything worked out, so I will get over it :)
The nursery is starting to come together nicely, and I have a few pics to share. My best friend Aimee has started to draw out the mural that we want to have on the wall and I think she will be back next week to start painting! It's gonna be so cool and I cannot wait to share it on here! I am so happy to have a talented best friend, not to mention how sweet, loving and caring she is :) Poor thing has such a busy schedule, so I appreciate her doing this for us so much. Love you Aim.
We ventured to BRU the other day to use a coupon and buy the Angel.Care monitor...that was all I wanted to accomplish, just walking in and buying a thing or two and leaving, and hubby was so great. I wanted to cry the entire time but I didn't, and I know that is "progress", but I still don't want to go back anytime soon! Atleast at Tar.get you can run into the housewares sections nearby and have your meltdown!!! Note to Deni: parking in the "expectant mom" spot is scary but great, I get it now.
I also wanted to mention that sweet Tina (Sophia and Ellie's Mom), had her rainbow baby on June 2nd, and I am so very happy for her :) Baby girl "G" is 7lbs. 13oz. and 20.25", born at 3:56 PM. Best wishes and love to you Tina, I can't wait to see a blog post with pictures of beautiful "G" :) :) :)
I know this post is scattered all over the place, but I have alot in my head that I need to get out!
Andrea (Christian's Mommy) had her first RE appt ever, and I am so happy she and her hubby went so they could start to get a few answers of why it is so hard to conceive. It is so hard to walk into a fertility clinic especially for the first time, and on top of that, after experiencing a loss, so I just wanted to say that I am proud of my friend and pray that her miracle happens soon. Send her lots of love and encouragement to persevere!!! Thanks for chatting with me yesterday!!! Love you Memphis!
Congrats to Katy and Lori as they both have growing beans and I am ECSTATIC for them...plus I want us all to meet at my house one day :) HINT HINT!!! :) LOL.
I know I am missing a ton of people and want to include everyone, but thats all my back will allow for now...
Here is a link to pictures of the nursery so far: Click Here
And here is a picture I took today of Autumn Belly:
I will try to update next week when I have my U/S. And I have to also update my girls' blog very soon too.
Hope everyone is well, sending love xxx Nan
Upper Left: Profile
Bottom Left: Profile w/ yawn
Upper Right: Profile w/ hand above head pushing on the uterine wall
Bottom Right: Spine pic, shows that she arched lots and lots of times
Baby Girl Autumn Stats:
Approx 4 pounds,
Measuring 32 weeks
Heart Rate 147
Today, I had what I found out was my last ultrasound for this pregnancy, unless ofcourse any problems present. I realize (now) that this is progress, that this is good news for baby girl grasshopper. But my hormones didn't want to believe all of that earlier. Hormones have come back to bite me in the butt like back in the 1st trimester. Example, Mike left the house to run a few errands the other day, I knew he was leaving but he did not say goodbye, so I cried for 20 minutes and was sad all day. This is NOT me, my husband can leave the house anytime he wants to as I do not babysit him!!! Crazy huh?
At any rate, I asked the doctor about hormones, and she said that they can absolutely come back and make you feel unstable at this point until delivery. I cry and I cry. But then I have a good day. And then I cry and cry. I made the mistake of watching a show about a woman who carried her triplets to term the other day and she had a c-section and the babies were all fine...which triggered a complete and utter breakdown in me, we are talkin all out crying and wailing (the works) like the raw pain days. I don't know why I made myself watch that, all I can think of was maybe trying to see where my head was at...hmmm.
I don't like sounding like I am complaining, because I am nothing but grateful for where I am at with Autumn right now. I guess I'm writing all of this down to look back at how I coped, and to maybe help someone else out there that may be goin through the same thing I am, to let them know they aren't alone. Right now, I am blaming this all on hormones!!!
Things I also asked the doctor about were swelling, swimming/bathing and certain pains.
On swelling, the times to be concerned are 1) when you lose your fingertip in your ankle when you press there, and 2) if the swelling is only on one side of your body.
On swimming and baths, doc says there is a risk of infection, especially with a cerclage...so I am glad I haven't done either and won't until after Autumn comes. I don't know why I didn't have this info before, but Im glad to share it anyhow.
On pains....ok, not complaining (too much), but I am extremely uncomfortable. My back is having spasms so it hurts to be upright on the computer for more than 10 minutes at a time so I am not on much these days (this post has taken 4 breaks to write out!). I am also having contractions still (BH), and baby girl has been in the perfect position to kick my cervix (head under/between boobs)...which I have seen stars a couple of times, but nothing bad has happened from it, just insecurity in my own head. Not much you can do for this. I've applied heating pads to my back and laid flat when I feel the most uncomfortable. When Autumn is kicking my cervix I just shift alot of positions to get her to move a little so she isn't constantly in the same spot.
I am also scheduled to remove the cerclage stitch on June 16th. My selfish thought for the day is that as soon as it is removed, that I want to go right into labor and have her safe and sound in my arms soon after. Is that truly selfish after all? I think not.
And finally, if this were truly a Wordless Wednesday for me (yeah right!), then I would have posted this pic...
I know there is more to write, but I wanted to get an update on here. Thanks for reading, listening, supporting and caring.
Love, Nan xxxooo
PS...Happy Belated Mothers Day to all, sorry I didn't get a chance to post but I plan to do so on my angel girls blog soon.
Besides the contractions and non-constipation today (always something!), we're doing pretty good at 29w1d! I can feel little Autumn 's head on my right side, almost like the dream I had a few weeks back. Every time I feel her move or feel something new, I am more and more in awe, wonder and love at this amazing miracle baby growing within. I question if she is really going to be ours and will we be blessed to see her on earth for the rest of our lives. My Faith and Hope tell me to hang on and believe.
The mattress came in and we put it in the crib, it fits like a glove and I couldn't be happier to see something coming together. Something I can visualize with pink baby bedding. Which, by the way, I found something that I fell in love with and Mike liked it too so we purchased it last week. It is a pre-sale order, so I don't think it will be in until late May. I just felt I needed to purchase a few things to make the nursery come together for her. I have some other ideas, and I will share as I get them moving along :)
I also took an Autumn belly pic (feeling huge and loving it):
And to show you the new "do"...which is not much different than the old do, and seems to be growing faster now, so I may get it cut shorter as per hubby's request (nevermind that double chin haha):
Come on 30 weeks, come on!!!
Love you all xxx
Yesterday, we had an OB appointment, and everything went well thankfully. I am told that if I have more than 6 contractions in an hour to go to the ER, and that I can try lots of water and pee alot and lay on my left side to try and help them to stop. The most Ive had now is 3 in an hour, which caused a little panic, but I am fine.
Everyone appears so genuinely happy that we are past the 28 week mark, including the doctors. There are alot of doctors in this practice, so I rarely get to see one I know each time I go, but our doctor yesterday wanted to already schedule the removal of the cerclage which won't be until I am 36/37 weeks. I really do not like to schedule anything in advance of 2 weeks, as I feel I jinxed myself making all of those appointments last year with the girls. Who am I to say I will be pregnant still at 36/37 weeks? I am no one! I have no control over this, so why should I plan ahead until Autumn gets here safe? These are the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis. I wish it weren't so, but it is.
While I am extremely happy to have gotten this far, I have found myself crying every day this week, about something really stupid, or something really serious. I tried to move forward a few times, and broke down. Going into T.arget the past few times has left me a hysterical mess. We did manage to buy two inexpensive baby gates that we will be putting up (one on top of the other) in front of the nursery to act as our "screen", maybe we will try that today or tomorrow. The rest, well, I am shopping online for sure. Yesterday, I bought online what I consider Autumn's first purchase, which was a crib mattress. So in the same breath of saying "why should I plan ahead?", I am trying to plan her arrival in small steps so I can be ready if/when we make it. I am allowing the online browsing for baby things, I am allowing the scheduling nurse to call me to schedule the cerclage removal, I am allowing myself to look into private or in-home classes for some preparedness with lactation, birth and baby care (and if that is not available I will pick brains and read a ton). But sometimes along with this, comes anxiety, tears, hope, grief, fear, happiness, and you just don't know where you stand. You feel you are burdening everyone with the constant back and forth thoughts that most don't understand. Another topic that has come up is a baby shower. And all I can think is, how does anyone expect me to be able to sit through a baby shower, when I can't even shop in a store around others without breaking down? I refuse to fake my way through something like that, the visual triggers ignite the tears. It is such a genuine gesture, but I cannot see myself in that situation yet, so I compromise and say "maybe after Autumn's safe arrival", and even then it's if-y.
I realize this post is all over the place, back and forth between grief and hope. But that is our life, and many others like mine. I write this to get my thoughts out on paper (well, blog paper) and de-stress. I write this to let someone else know they aren't alone. I write this to tell anyone who wants to know, where I am at mentally. I write to relieve some grief, and let in some hope.
Love, Nan xxxooo
About Me
- Nan & Mike
- PA, United States
- Wife to a wonderful man, Mom to triplet angel girls in Heaven and our earthly rainbow grasshopper arrived safe and sound in our arms on July 8th, 2010. Blogging is one of the things that help me get by everyday, and I hope what I write might help someone else feel not so alone.
~Autumn Marie~
